Rick's Published Clips

2008-08-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of my articles from Summer '08...

SHORE Magazine article: Black Magic Men & the Cubbie Triangle

SHORE Magazine article: Blue Skies, Big Screen, Entertainment Unchained

SHORE Magazine article: 14 Voices: Love you, Love your show

SHORE Magazine article: The Jack Brickhouse Eating Tour

NWI Parent article: "Anticipation"

2008-03-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

ARTICLES FROM THE GREEN ISSUE OF SHORE MAGAZINE, 2008

"20 Questions: Steve Traxler" By Rick Kaempfer

"Green Living Idiot" by Rick Kaempfer

2008-01-11T17:44:00.000-08:00

RECENT ARTICLES BY RICK KAEMPFER, Fall 2007/Winter 2008

New Dawn in Morning Radio
(Shore Magazine--From the January/February issue) The battle for the female radio audience in Chicago, featuring interviews with Melissa Forman, Eric Ferguson & Kathy Hart, and more.

Training Day
(Shore Magazine--From the January/February issue) My undercover participation in a wine training seminar at the ultra-ritzy 1913 room restaurant at the Amway Grand Hotel in Grand Rapids. It includes an interview with wine expert Barry Wiss.

Christmas Form Letters
(NWI Parent Magazine--From the November/December issue) An essay about the most obnoxious kind of holiday letters--the holiday form letter. It includes my attempt to show the way a non-obnoxious holiday form letter may sound.

2007 Holiday Toy Guide
(NWI Parent Magazine--From the November/December issue) A guide to the best toys for kids for Christmas 2007. Every toy in this piece is under $100.

Reginald Lawrence and the Ballad of Sadie Hawkins
(Shore Magazine--From the Oct/Nov issue) The Ballad of Sadie Hawkins was filmed in Gary, Indiana, and Reginald Lawrence wrote the screenplay. This is a feature about the movie and the screenwriter.

2007-06-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

HORSESHOE BUILDS A VERY BIG BOAT
By Rick Kaempfer

(This article appears in the July issue of Shore Magazine.)

“It’s never been done before,” says Rick Mazer—the VP and general manager of the Horseshoe Casino—of the brand new Horseshoe Casino being built on the lakefront in Hammond. To understand the breadth of this project, consider this: the floating portion of the casino is being built in three different states (Louisiana, Indiana and Texas) and then being shipped up the Mississippi River or Ohio River, to the Illinois River, then over to the current Horseshoe location, in six different gigantic floating 1,700-ton “modules.”

“Two tugboats take each module on its final journey, one on each end; one to propel it, and one to steer,” Mazer explains. “And it really gets interesting when they turn it.” The modules will then be melded together within the break walls, one at a time, which is the most complicated part of the project.

“Since it’s never been done before, the timing of how long it will take to meld the pieces together is unknown,” Mazer says. “But with each successive module, it will take less and less time.” Once the modules are all melded together, they will form the floating base upon which the casino complex will be built. Is it possible that a monstrous vessel like this will still be able to sail?

“Absolutely,” Mazer says. “We’ll be able to fire up the engines. Granted, it’s not designed to cruise on volatile waters like Lake Michigan, but we will have a captain, throttles, radios and everything. We’re spending a lot of money on the equipment to make sure it runs.” Mazer effortlessly and enthusiastically explains the process, but he laughs when asked if he has a background in building and design. “I’m not even allowed to have a hammer in my house,” he jokes. “I definitely can’t take credit for the engineering.”

The construction process can actually be monitored on the Horseshoe website. They have installed a webcam pointing at the project. “It takes a shot every twelve minutes,” Mazer says. “People can watch it, do a time-lapse, and watch it at fast speed. It’s really fascinating.”

Sacrifices have to be made

Of course, during the construction of this massive structure, accommodations had to be made, and the people feeling the short-term pinch are the local boat-owners who previously docked their boats at the Hammond Marina. For safety reasons, the entire Hammond Marina has been closed for the summer of 2007. In an area with a substantial shortage of marina space, that hardship has not gone unnoticed.

“It was a dagger in the heart of some boat lovers,” Mazer concedes. “We understand how they feel, we really do, but this is really a safety issue. There will be long pieces of steel being moved around with cranes, and we just weren’t comfortable with the risk of hurting someone or someone’s property.”

Hammond’s Mayor Thomas McDermott, Jr., certainly felt the heat from upset voters. “Oh, yeah,” he admits. “I was a punching bag for awhile there, and I understand why people were upset, but I was trying to look at the big picture. This project is important for Northwest Indiana. It creates hundreds of permanent jobs, thousands of construction jobs, brings in millions of tax dollars, and helps lower everyone’s property taxes.”

Plus, the Harrah’s people managed to address many of the concerns. “We paid the city to close the marina for a year,” Mazer points out, “so the marina doesn’t suffer, and it even gives the marina an opportunity to do some upgrades, and they are doing that. So in the long run, after this project is done, it will be better than ever.” When the boaters return, hopefully for the 2008 season, they will be sharing the marina with the biggest casino this area has ever seen.

How big will it be?

Once the six modules are combined and melded together, they will measure 520 feet long, 320 feet wide and 22 feet deep. The casino itself will be built on top of that giant structure.

It will make the current Horseshoe Casino look like the S.S. Minnow by comparison. The main level of the new casino will consist of 175,000 square feet of space, more than three times the size of the current Horseshoe, and much bigger than the $170 million Blue Chip that just opened recently in Michigan City.

“It will be large,” admits Ginny Shanks, the senior vice president of brand management for Horseshoe’s parent company, Harrah’s. “But we will be working very hard to maintain the intimacy of the Horseshoe brand. This vessel is going to be our flagship. We will continue to live up to the pure and simple Horseshoe experience, making it right for the gambler.”

You’ve probably heard the commercials about Horseshoe Casino’s Jack Binion. If you’re a non-gambler, however, you may not be familiar with Binion’s life story. Jack is the son of the legendary and colorful Benny Binion. Benny was a big Texan cowboy and beloved figure in Vegas; the founder of the Horseshoe. Jack worked for his dad at Binion’s Horseshoe Casino in Las Vegas, became the president of Horseshoe in 1963 at the young age of 26, and transformed poker from a kitchen-table pastime into a big-time casino game by hosting the first World Series of Poker in 1970. He was named to the Poker Hall of Fame. In 2004, he sold his interest to Harrah’s Entertainment for more than a billion dollars, but continues to promote the casinos today.

Not just for gamblers anymore

While it’s undeniable that the gambler is king at every casino, Horseshoe is leading the way in transforming the area casinos into much more. Not only will the main gaming level of this new structure be approximately the length of two football fields, the second level will be a multi-use entertainment complex, easily transformed in a short amount of time, and able to stage everything from major concerts to boxing events to conventions to banquets. They are still having discussions about the entertainment that will perform there, but look for them to make a big splash. “We can hold up to four thousand for a House of Blues-type event,” Mazer says. “We will certainly have A-level talent here, headliners, true to our Horseshoe brand.”

Shanks, whose job it is to maintain the Horseshoe brand throughout the country, helps explain a little more what that means. “We have an orientation to abundance,” she says. “Meaning, give the customer even more than he or she expects. For the gambler, that means liberal comping on the floor. It means our management will be right there on the floor, easily accessible. It means, at our restaurants, the portions are bigger than expected, and the quality of the food is top of the line.”

And, she promises, the same will be true of the entertainment lineup. While they consider similarly sized venues like the Star Plaza in Merrillville or some of the downtown Chicago theaters to be entertainment competition, don’t expect the new Horseshoe Casino to be bringing in Broadway-style shows. They are focusing on the type of entertainment (comedians, singers, musicians and bands) that specifically targets their demographic. “Let’s put it this way,” Mazer says. “We won’t be bringing in Sesame Street Live.”

If you build it, they will come

The big question: is there a big enough market to make Horseshoe’s $485 million investment viable? John Busam, publisher of Midwest Gaming & Travel magazine, laughs at that question. “This is one of the most underserved markets in the country,” he says.

Mazer agrees. “The market penetration is nowhere near what it is in places like St. Louis and Detroit,” he says. “Depending on how you define this market, we have somewhere between six and eleven million people here, but the industry has not been serving the customer well in Chicagoland. There is nothing currently around here that gives them that same kind of full-Las Vegas casino experience, so they hop on a flight and go to Vegas instead.” That is changing, and it’s changing quickly.

“I think this is going to start an arms race, like the one we had with the Russians,” Mayor McDermott predicts. “Everyone else will have to invest just to keep up.”

“They have to,” Busam points out. “The other casinos in the area are already investing heavily to upgrade their facilities, and it won’t just be enough to have gambling anymore. Top-notch entertainment and restaurants will become a part of the equation here.”

Busam thinks this is just the beginning. He sees a day when the area will be known as the Cline Avenue Strip.

“Biloxi started the same way,” he says. “And look at it now.”

2007-05-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

"21st Century Roadtrips"

(From the May 2007 issue of SHORE Magazine)

By Rick Kaempfer

I have a family of five. When it comes time for vacation, flying is no longer a realistic option. Until last year, I managed to maintain my sanity by confining all of our trips to the four nearest states.

Last year, however, we were invited to visit my aunt and uncle in Georgia.

“You know that means a 14-hour drive in the car, right?” I asked my pleading, begging children.

“Yes!”

“And you won’t complain and whine and give me a 14-hour headache?” I asked.

“No!” they all promised.

I was weak. I consented.

Expert Advice

I called up Spike Manton to get his opinion on the subject. Spike co-wrote a very touching play about the traditional family road rip called “Leaving Iowa.” It’s a subject he has studied for years.

I asked him if this was going to be the nightmare I remembered from the family vacations of my youth.

“Seatbelts have changed everything,” he answered. “From 1945 until 1980, the only thing that changed for the family vacation was the size of the paneling on the station wagon. Today’s kids will never know the insanity of hanging out the back window throwing fruit at the trucker behind you, and then climbing over three seats to ride on Dad’s lap to help him steer, all while traveling 65 mph down the highway. How can you have a real fight in the back seat if you are strapped in place like a hostage?”

“What about technology?” I asked.

“That too,” he said. “DVD players and Gameboys have forever replaced Slug Bug, the License Plate Game, and the Alphabet Game,” he said. “My nephews once arrived at my home at the end of a 16-hour road trip, and stayed in the car for an extra twenty minutes to finish a game on their Gameboy.”

That sounded like the solution for me. Seatbelts and technology were going to save me.

Hitting the Road

I wasn’t thinking about road trips when I opted not to take the DVD option on my minivan a few years ago. Whoops.

Luckily for me, they make portable players now, so I bought one with a big enough monitor for all three kids to see, and placed it in the best viewing location.

Among the other items packed into the minivan for this trip:
*Ten movies
*Three handheld video games (Gameboy DS)
*Three sets of headphones so Dad doesn’t have to hear anything
*A cooler full of drinks and food
*A backpack full of toys, books, and games for each boy
*My sister

I really thought we had everything covered.

We had three boys (ages 10, 7, & 3), and three adults. We had entertainment and food. We left at 3:00 in the morning so that they could sleep for the first three hours.

What could go wrong, right?

The successes

The biggest successes were thanks to two of the items we brought along with us: the DVD player and the headphones.

I highly recommend both of them.

The boys watched two Pokemon movies (which normally would have made my skin crawl), but I didn’t have to hear a thing except for an occasional laugh accompanied by a euphoric “OH MEOWTH! YOU CRACK ME UP!”

That was four hours of bliss.

The mistakes

Mistake #1: The 3:00 AM departure time

This sounded like such a good idea. Unfortunately, the boys were so excited about vacation they didn’t sleep a wink. My three-year-old’s eyes were wide open the whole time. By 9:00 AM, I was the only one who wanted to sleep, and I was driving.

Mistake #2: Most toys/games/activities/books can cause carsickness

Somewhere in the middle of rural Georgia, I looked in the rearview mirror at my unbelievably pale eight-year-old. He was holding his stomach.

“Do you feel OK?” I asked.

“No,” he told me.

My wife sprinted into the backseat with a plastic baggie—but she was moments too late for the first gush. We pulled off at the next exit and added thirty minutes to our trip by cleaning off the seat and his pants, and finding something else for him to wear.

Mistake #3: Not realizing that even potty-trained 3- year-olds won’t “go” at public bathrooms.

On the way home we had to stop for gas about three hours away from home. All three boys were ordered to take care of business at the gas station. The two older boys did as they were told, but the youngster took one look at the bathroom and declared that he didn’t need to.

“Are you absolutely sure?” I asked.

“I’m sure, Dad,” he said.

I gambled that he was telling the truth. We were about an hour away from home when Sean’s stomach pains made him start crying out.

“I have to poop!” he said.

His painful cries let us know there was no way he could make it all the way home, so I pulled off the highway as soon as I could. The only semi-appropriate place near the exit was a Walgreen’s Pharmacy. When my wife and son finally emerged from Walgreen’s twenty minutes later, her annoyed expression told me the whole story.

“He promises he can make it home,” she said through gritted teeth.

“No he can’t,” I said.

“I know,” she conceded. She held up a pull-up diaper. “What do you think?”

It was our only choice. For the next thirty minutes we tried to tune out the grunting, groaning, whining, moaning child determined to prove he could make it home. When his natural cheerfulness suddenly returned, we knew the problem had passed.

Back Home

When we pulled into the driveway, I heaved a sigh of relief. I know it sounds like it was horrible, but I don’t look at it that way. We survived. I consider any trip that involves only one vomit and one #2 emergency a rousing success.

I may even do it again someday.

When I drive my oldest son to college.

2007-04-01T14:40:00.000-07:00

Premature Jubilation

by RICK KAEMPFER

This story ran on visitshoremagazine.com on Monday, March 12, 2007 3:10 PM CDT
See it in the magazine here

My first novel, $everance, is going to press soon. At the age of 43, I'm finally achieving my lifelong dream of becoming a published novelist.

How does it feel?

Well, I've discovered that the process of becoming a published novelist is really a series of premature celebrations. By my most recent count, I've celebrated the end of the process eleven times already-and my book isn't even out yet.

All of the following celebrations turned out to be a tad premature:

1. I celebrated when I figured out a way to weave my complicated plot together. I just knew it was all downhill from there. This book was going to write itself.

2. I celebrated when I finished my first draft. Six solid months of working on the manuscript every day-it was certainly all but over.

3. I celebrated when I finished my second draft-which I considered to be perfect. I just knew that I wouldn't have to change another thing.

4. I celebrated when I found a publisher. Granted, the publisher required a few minor plot changes-but that wouldn't be a big problem. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

5. I celebrated when I figured out how to implement her changes. All I had to do was rewrite the second half of the book. Surely that wasn't going to take too long. I knew these characters like the back of my hand. It was all but over.

6. I celebrated three months later when I finally finished writing the third draft. I clinked glasses with my wife right after I hit the send button on the email.

7. I celebrated again when my publisher emailed me a few weeks later, saying she was proud of me for pulling it off-and she was sending me a contract. That was it. It was all over.

8. I celebrated again after I signed the contract. Finally!

9. I celebrated again after she sent me the artwork for the cover. Now it seemed real. There, on a stylishly designed cover, was my name (with the more author-sounding first name "Richard," instead of "Rick") in big block letters. Clink!

10. I celebrated again after the editor sent me the final line-edits. This wasn't going to take long to whip into shape, and then we were ready to go.

11. I celebrated again when I finished those final edits, and got them approved. Okay, now it's time to break out that bottle of champagne we've been saving.

Of course, I still don't have a hard copy of the book. That will be premature celebration #12. I still haven't put together my marketing plan or scheduled my book tour (#13). I still haven't seen my book on a bookshelf in a bookstore (#14). I still haven't sold a single copy of my book (#15). And I still haven't had a single thing written about my book . . . unless you count this article. Let's call this article premature celebration #16.

I must admit that I feel a little more sheepish with each successive celebration, but I just can't help myself. I'm not just the boy who cried wolf-I'm the boy who cried wolf sixteen times . . . and counting.

When the true moment of celebration comes, my friends and family will think it's another false alarm, and I'll probably have to celebrate alone.

If you really think about it, though, wouldn't that be the most appropriate celebration of all? Writing is, after all, a totally solitary experience. Shouldn't someone who works by himself, celebrate by himself? If you look at it that way, my first solitary celebration will be my first truly appropriate celebration.

Which, of course, calls for a celebration.

Don't worry. I plan on checking into rehab as soon as the book tour ends.

2007-03-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

AFTER THE WEDDING
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the Spring 2007 issue of LBV--La Bella Vita)

The honeymoon is over.

Literally.

When recently married couples settle into their day-to-day lives, and develop routines, their relationship turns into something completely different than it was before the wedding. How they handle this change is the key to a long and happy marriage.

The Most Common Mistake

We all know that everyone makes mistakes.

But did you know that most marital problems are caused by making the same mistakes over and over again?

Made by Husbands…

“The husband has to take the time to emotionally attend to his wife,” says John Ross Brown, a family and marriage therapist from Merrillville. “Men don’t need that as much as women do, so we don’t realize how important it is to our wives. They need to know they are #1 to us. Not simply accepted or tolerated, but celebrated as our equals.”

Brown, who has been counseling married couples for two decades, says that virtually all of the marital problems caused by husbands are variations on that same theme.

Made by wives…

By the same token, wives seem to make the same mistake over and over again too. It’s just a slightly different mistake.

“Men need to feel appreciated for what they do,” Brown says. “Women don’t need that as much as men do and don’t realize how important it is to their husbands. Testosterone drives men to achieve, and they need validation for their accomplishments. When wives diminish that, or don’t effectively celebrate it, it causes big problems.”

Brown has been counseling married couples for decades, and sees it time and time again. The root cause of a marital problem most often comes from a wife who doesn’t feel emotionally attended to, or a husband who doesn’t feel appreciated. Often it’s both.

The Four Big Landmines

In the early stages of a marriage, there are four areas that tend to be the biggest potential landmines for disputes: Housework, Sex, In-Laws, and Money.

It’s not difficult to see how the most common husband and wife mistakes can make all of these potential land mines even more combustible.

1. Housework

This is usually the first surprise a new wife confronts: the unbalanced division of labor in the home. Women tend to take on the lion’s share of the housework, and they may not even mind it at first.

“But resentment inevitably develops,” Brown says. “It makes them feel subservient.”

Although divvying up the duties on an itemized basis may be a little extreme, having a general discussion before the resentment kicks in is crucial. This will let the wife know she is an equal, while also giving achievable goals for the husband.

The key is to be realistic about dividing up the chores. Go with your strengths. If one spouse is persnickety about the bathrooms, for instance, he or she should take charge of that duty. Avoid your weaknesses. If one spouse is a notoriously bad chef, he or she should not be put in charge of cooking.

A little discussion, a little common sense, and a little courtesy to each other will go a long way in avoiding future fights.

2. Sex

This is usually the first surprise a new husband confronts: the diminishing frequency and enthusiasm of sex.

“This is probably the biggest complaint I hear from husbands,” therapist John Ross Brown confirms. “They usually don’t realize, however, that they may be the cause of the problem. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a marriage in which a husband was attentive to the emotional needs of his wife, where sex was a problem.”

Likewise, most of the female complaints about men in this department can be overcome by remembering the universal truth of the male psyche. Men respond to verbal applause. If the husband feels his performance is appreciated, he’ll have more confidence in this department, and sex complaints from his wife will be far more infrequent.

3. The In-Laws

The number of fights about in-laws, and the intensity of those fights, is a big surprise to most married couples. Mothers and fathers that seemed so nice before the wedding, suddenly look completely different after the wedding.

It’s understandable. The emotions are new for everyone involved. For the parents, they tend to react badly when they realize they are no longer number one in the lives of their children. For the young married couple, after spending their entire lives seeking validation from their parents, they have a much more difficult time breaking free than they expected.

“The key is not to develop coalitions with anyone other than your spouse,” Brown warns.

This isn’t easy to do. The wife has been made to feel number one by her parents her whole life. That’s what she needs, and if her husband isn’t giving it to her, she is easily tempted. The husband has had his accomplishments appreciated by his parents his whole life. That’s what he needs, and if his wife isn’t giving it to him, he is easily tempted.

Of course, sometimes even with a strong husband-wife alliance, the in-laws can still be a problem.

The five authors of “The Nest Newlywed Handbook: An Owner’s Manual for Modern Married Life” have a great tip to help out in a situation like that. They suggest renting a movie like ‘The Godfather,’ ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding,’ or ‘Meet the Parents.’ Any of those movies will put your in-laws in perspective.

4. Money

This may not be an issue immediately, but it’s essential that newly married couples discuss how they want to handle their finances before it becomes a problem.

Money issues are the leading cause of divorce.

There isn’t one correct way to handle money; it varies from couple to couple. The key is to agree about the approach up-front. It may sound crass, but a marriage is, after all, a business arrangement too. Among the areas of necessary conversation:
=Who balances the checkbook?
=Who pays the bills?
=What is the budget?
=How much are we trying to save?
=How many credit cards?
=What kind of investments?
=What kind of insurance?

“There are two things I say about money to the couples I counsel,” Brown says. “The first thing is: don’t have any secret spending. No good can come from that. I see that time and time again. A secret credit card here, a secret account to support an expensive hobby there, and boom! The other thing I say is: compromise. If you break the word compromise into two, it means ‘promise’ and ‘with.’ Make a ‘promise with’ your spouse, then live up to it.”

Future Disputes

You can’t possibly anticipate all the potential disagreements coming in the future. Before you have children you may think you agree on everything, only to discover child-rearing differences you never anticipated.

You may face career changes, financial hardship, or relocation that weren’t even on your radar when you got married. There are scores of other potential disputes that won’t arise for years.

However, if you keep the root causes of most disagreements in mind and both of you are willing to compromise, no dispute is irresolvable.

2007-02-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

COLD OR CANKER?
Alleviating Painful Mouth Sores

(From the Spring 2007 issue of Get Healthy Magazine, a publication of the Times)

By Rick Kaempfer

Canker sores and cold sores seem to be siblings in oral pain.

Both of them are preceded by a tingling sensation in the days before they appear. They look similar, they feel similar, and their names sound similar.

Yet they aren’t related at all.

The best way to differentiate cold sores from canker sores is location, location, location.

When the sores appear outside the mouth, even if it’s on, in, or near the nose, it’s a cold sore. (They can also appear in the eyes, but if they do, seek treatment immediately. That can lead to blindness if not treated.)

When they appear inside the mouth, especially on the tongue, at the base of the gums or inside the cheek, it’s a canker sore.

Cold Sores

Causes
A cold sore is a recurring reminder of a virus that was probably contracted years earlier; HSV-1 or Herpes Simplex Virus-1.

HSV-1 is a very common and highly contagious virus often contracted during the pre-school years. The initial infection is accompanied by a fever and sore throat.

“Kids are miserable when they first get the virus,” Dr. Daniel Bade of Bade Dental Spa in St. John says. “It’s extremely painful in their throats.”

After the initial infection, however, subsequent outbreaks are much milder.

It is estimated that 100 million Americans have acquired the HSV-1 virus, but some people build up antibodies against it, and become asymptomatic carriers. Others are not as lucky. For approximately forty percent of the HSV-1 sufferers, the virus will live in nerve roots indefinitely near affected skin areas, and during exposure to ultraviolet rays from the sun, or periods of stress, lack of sleep, or illness—especially fever, cold sores emerge.

“Any kind of stress can cause a recurrence,” according to Dr. Bade. “Mental stress or physical stress.”

Symptoms
Cold sores are preceded by a tingling sensation in the affected area (usually in the lips) a day or two before the sores actually appear.

This is followed by lip swelling and redness. Fluid-filled blisters emerge a day or two later, and when they burst, painful cold sores are formed. After a few days these sores are covered by scabs, which usually heal completely in eight to ten days.

Treatments
During this tingling stage, cold sores can be suppressed by prompt treatment with anti-viral prescription medications like Acyclovir. This has been a major breakthrough over the last decade.

Once the blisters emerge, however, these medications are not nearly as effective. Topical creams can shorten the healing time, but not by much—at most by a day or two.

“Cold sores can also be treated with cold lasers,” Dr. Bade said. “The only problem with this treatment is that it has to be done at the correct stage. If it’s too early or too late in the development of the sores, laser treatment isn’t effective.”

Prevention
It’s almost impossible to avoid the initial contraction of HSV-1—because virtually everyone has it. It may also be impossible to completely eliminate recurrences once the virus is in the body, but there are ways to minimize future cold sores.

The best way to minimize them is to avoid what causes the eruptions to recur. For instance, using sunscreen on the lips can reduce ultraviolet rays, which in turn can help prevent cold sores. Maintaining a balanced diet, reducing stress level, and getting a good night’s sleep are other ways to minimize recurrences. Avoiding physical contact with others who have active cold sores is yet another way of reducing the chances. After all, HSV-1 is highly contagious.

“Anyone in the ulcerated stage is contagious,” Dr. Bade notes.

Canker Sores

Causes
While the origin and causes of cold sores are well known, researchers still haven’t identified every cause of canker sores (also known as aphthous ulcers).

They have, however, found quite a few. For instance, stress to tissue areas caused by eating jagged foods like nuts or biting the inside of the mouth or cheek can lead to canker sores.

Researchers also believe that canker sores can be caused by bad nutrition, particularly a deficiency of vitamin B-12, zinc, and folic acid. Some food allergies have been identified as canker sore sources too, and the American Academy of Family Physicians also attributes canker sores to menstrual cycles and stress.

Symptoms
Like cold sores, canker sores are preceded by a tingling (or burning) sensation inside the mouth, which is followed by the appearance of painful white or yellow sores surrounded by a red halo.

It can be one ulcer or a cluster of ulcers on the inside of the cheek, at the base of the gums, or on the tongue. They usually heal in several days, but can last up to two weeks.

If canker sores are unusually large or last longer than three weeks, seek medical attention. The sores could be a sign of some other medical condition.

Treatments
Unlike cold sores, however, canker sores don’t respond to preventative medication during the tingling stages. “After the sores emerge, they do respond to tetracycline,” Dr. Bade said, “but the cure is often more painful than the canker sores themselves.”

Over-the-counter pain killers can help reduce the discomfort. Rinsing with warm water and salt can also temporarily soothe the area. Doctors or dentists can even provide a prescription mouthwash or salve, but each of these remedies will only offer temporary relief from the pain.

Prevention
Canker sore prevention is an inexact science. Because some people are more affected by certain acidic foods or spices, and others are more prone to allergies or have cheeks and gums more easily punctured by rough or jagged foods, effective prevention techniques differ from person to person.

The American Academy of Family Physicians, however, recently offered three general tips for canker sore prevention:
*Stay away from toothpastes and mouthwashes that contain irritating ingredients.
*Avoid chewing gum, and very hard, crunchy or spicy food.
*Keep your mouth clean by flossing regularly and brushing after every meal.

Brothers in Pain

Though they may not be scientifically related, canker sores and cold sores do have the most important thing in common as far as the afflicted are concerned: pain.

The good news is that both of them can be minimized. The bad news is that they can’t be eliminated.

At least not yet.

2006-11-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

TOYS FOR EVERYONE

By Rick Kaempfer

From the December/January Issue of Shore Magazine (http://visitshoremagazine.com)

It should be a rule that every member of the family gets at least one toy for the holidays. There’s something about receiving a toy that brings out the child in everyone.

Unfortunately, keeping up with the “toy” market is a full-time job, especially for people who don’t normally receive them. It’s usually easier to just settle for a tie, or a sweater, or a pair of wooly socks.

Not this year. Not with this handy guide. No need to thank us. The smiles on the faces of your family members are all the thanks we need.

Toys for Dad

Dad appreciates his ever-expanding tie collection, but he also likes toys just as much as anyone else…especially if the toys have something to do with golf.

The Applauding Automatic Return Putting Cup, Hammacher-Schlemmer (#CP-73372), $39.95
Putting inside the home or office can be fun, but that ten foot walk to retrieve balls can be exhausting, and without a cheering section to validate Dad’s putting prowess, it can leave him feeling alone and unappreciated. Both of those problems are solved with this product-- a cordless portable indoor putting device that provides polite golf applause before automatically returning successful putts. Sadly, if Dad misses, he’ll still have to do the ten foot walk of shame.

The Potty Putter, Wonderfullywacky.com, $19.95
This is just what it sounds like—something for Dad to do at his favorite hangout. It includes a putting green, a putter, two golf balls, a flagstick, and a “Do Not Disturb” sign for the door.

The RadarGolf System, Sharper Image (#RG001), $249.95
Yes, the price tag is a little daunting. However, with this system, your father may never have to buy golf balls again. With a tiny implanted microchip in the core of the RadarGolf ball and a handheld beeping device to let him know when he is getting closer to his ball, he will never lose a ball again. On the other hand, you might advise him not to use this ball on the water holes. (The kit comes with a dozen radargolf balls, a handheld device, and specially lined pouches to keep spare balls from affecting the search).

The Remote Control Golf Ball, Hammacher-Schlemmer (#CP-72460), $39.95
This product looks and feels like a real golf ball, but it can also be controlled by a tiny remote control device. Watch Dad’s friends and co-workers ooh and ah as he putts the ball waaaaay too hard, only to see it zig and zag back into the hole.

Toys for Mom

Of all the members of the family, Mom is least likely to want a toy…at least not in the traditional sense. With that in mind, we’ve slightly expanded Mom’s definition of “toy” to provide the kind of gifts that she would really appreciate—but would never buy for herself.

Locate 1, Sharper Image (#MT200), $499.95
It’s pricey, but Mom’s worth it. What does she spend most of her time doing every day? Worrying. And isn’t five hundred bucks a small price to pay to slow down the emergence of Mom’s gray hair? With this wireless GPS that can be hidden in a backpack or the trunk of a car, Mom can keep tabs on the kids at all times. Locate 1 can even be programmed to automatically send a message to Mom when the car is going too fast. A child’s nightmare. A mother’s dream.

Extra Strength Denial Pills, Wackyplanet.com (#TOY-ARB-DENIAL-PILLS), $4.99 for one bottle, $12 for three
So you don’t have an extra $500 lying around for Mom this year, eh? Don’t fear. This gift is the next best thing for a mother of teenagers. The pills are placebos (actually candy), but they remind Mom to stop asking so many questions about what is really going on at Troy’s house. Aaah, ignorance is bliss.

The Full-Bottle Wine Glass, Hammacher-Schlemmer (#CP-70375), $24.95
Have you noticed that Mom needs a little stress relief? That first glass of wine in the evening calms her down, but the second, third, and fourth glasses often leave her feeling a little guilty. Not any more. This two-liter wine glass can hold an entire bottle of wine so Mom can limit herself to one glass a night. No guilt, no shame, and lots of stress relief. (Be sure to hide the car keys, however.)

Toys for Teens

Let’s face it. American teens have too many toys already. By the time a child reaches his or her teen years, parents have shelled out thousands of dollars for the latest must-have gadget or toy. With that in mind, we offer only one suggestion this year…and it’s technically not a toy.

Black Scottevest fleece jacket, Brookstone, $140
Your teen already has an I-Pod, a cellular photo phone, a PDA, and a Gameboy, but probably doesn’t have an efficient way of carrying them all at once. This fleece jacket comes with 12 pockets specifically designed to carry all of those gadgets and more. It includes a routing system that threads earbuds, and magnetic closures to keep all gadgets safe, plus it’s been specifically designed to evenly distribute the weight. Granted, it will officially end all face to face communication…but at least when you text message your child, you’ll know he hasn’t misplaced his phone.

Toys for the little ones

We researched the young toy market with certain important restrictions in mind: Toys must not be loud, and they must not be easily transformed into a weapon. Consider the following ideas a gift for both parents and child.

Small World Living Kitchen, Smarti Pantz Toyz in Highland, Indiana (www.smartipantztoyz.com)
Ask any pre-school teacher or day care provider about the most popular toys for both girls and boys, and they’ll tell you that kids love to play “kitchen.” Ours is not to question why, it is merely to encourage. Converting a child that likes to play in the kitchen into a helpful member of the family at dinner-time is actually an attainable goal. The more realistic the toys, the more helpful they can be. The Small World Living line is particularly good …
Small World Living Sink & Stove, $180
Small World Living Refrigerator, $160
Small World Living Fun-With-Fruit, $16
Small World Living Build-A-Burger, $9

Toys for Grandparents

As we age, we get grumpier. It’s a fact of life. As we age, we also get more politically intractable. That’s a fact of life too. We kept that in mind as we searched for grandparent toys, and we may have found the perfect gift.

The Talking Ann Coulter Action Figure, Stupid.com, $29.99
Press Ann Coulter’s belly and she will spout anti-liberal invective. This doll does it too. It’s the perfect gift for the crotchety conservative grandpa who loves “Annie.” Watch him cackle with glee as he makes the doll spout her wisdom at his good-for-nothing liberal son-in-law. With an extra purchase of a few voodoo pins, it’s also the perfect gift for the crotchety liberal grandpa who hates “that woman.” Whenever he sees the real Ann on TV, he can take out his aggression in a healthy non-threatening way…which makes it a present for Grandma too—because she is getting sick of hearing his bellyaching.

That covers everyone, right?

Not exactly, but there’s a reason why we didn’t feature toys for children between 4 and 13 years old. Let’s face it. Those kids aren’t exactly subtle about telling you what they want. They want toys, and they’ll tell you exactly which make and model. Any deviation will not be tolerated or appreciated.

Maybe this year, with the help of our guide, everyone else will be just as happy for once.

2006-10-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

"Prostate Attention"
By Rick Kaempfer

From the Fall 2006 issue of "Get Healthy" Magazine.

Once men reach a certain age, prostate problems are a fact of life.

“An enlarged prostate is as inevitable as gray hair,” says Dr. Subba Rao Nagubadi of Urology Associates of N.W Indiana.

Prostate cancer is also the most common form of malignant cancer (other than skin cancer) affecting men today. According to the National Cancer Institute, more than 220,000 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer this year.

But for all the bad news about prostate cancer, there is hopeful news as well. Unlike some other cancers, many men with advanced prostate cancer can expect to live for many years. Often, the prostate cancer grows slowly, and there are now some effective treatment options that extend life even further.

Early Detection

Waiting until the symptoms associated with prostate problems occur (frequent urination, a sudden need to urinate, a need to strain or push to empty the bladder, or pain and burning in urination or ejaculation) isn’t enough. In fact, by the time the symptoms occur, prostate cancer may have spread beyond the prostate.

Luckily there are two fairly reliable tests that may catch prostate cancer, even in the “silent” or early stages before any symptoms occur.

A Digital Rectal Exam (DRE) is the common method used by doctors to physically feel the prostate through the rectum, looking for lumps or hard areas. This is usually done in concert with a blood test which looks for elevated PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) levels. Because most men with slightly elevated levels of PSA do not have cancer, and some prostate cancers can’t be detected through digital rectal exams, it’s important to do both tests. Together they have been much more successful in identifying prostate cancer.

“After age 40,” says Dr. Nagubadi, “I recommend you get tested once a year.”

Treatment

In their book Updated Guidelines for Surviving Prostate Cancer, Dr. E. Roy Berger and Dr. James Lewis Jr. point out that there isn’t one correct way to treat prostate cancer. “The reason for this is that there have not been a significant number of randomized controlled studies to answer all of the questions related to the various treatment modalities.”

That means that the prostate cancer patient has options, and he should investigate all of them thoroughly. There are basically three variations of treatments; surgery, radiation, and closely monitoring the cancer.

Closely monitoring the cancer is called Surveillance (also known as watchful waiting). If the cancer is low-grade and confined to the gland (early stage) especially with older patients who have other serious medical conditions, doctors may be hesitant to pursue more invasive treatments. With the surveillance method, doctors simply keep a close eye on the growth of the cancer through regular examinations. Once it grows and starts to spread, further action is necessary.

Usually that involves surgery called Radical Prostatectomy.

“We recommend the surgery for any patient who is young enough—up to age 70, and strong enough,” says Dr. Nagubadi of Urology Associates of N.W Indiana.

Radical Prostatectomy surgery removes the entire prostate and nearby tissues, and sometimes the lymph nodes in the pelvis.

For patients who aren’t strong enough to undergo the radical prostatectomy, Radiation Therapy is the other treatment choice. The radiation is normally delivered through external beams, but it can also be implanted directly into the prostate with a needle.

Recovery

Patients usually fully recover from surgery relatively quickly, but there are a few other possibilities to consider. While the radical prostatectomy is done with nerve sparing techniques, it can cause potential side effects.

“Some men lose the ability to achieve an erection,” says Dr. Nagubadi.

Drugs like Viagra and several similar, newer drugs can help patients resume normal sexual function.

As for radiation recovery, the radiation itself is painless. However, according to the American Society of Clinical Oncology, radiation therapy may cause the following side effects:
• Diarrhea or other disruption of bowel function
• Increased urinary urge or frequency
• Fatigue
• Impotence
• Rectal discomfort, burning, or pain

Prevention

There are three higher risk groups most likely to get prostate cancer.
=Men over 65
=African-American men
=Men who have a history of prostate cancer in their families (especially those cases diagnosed before the age of 60)
Because the incidence of prostate cancer is lower in Asia, Africa, and South America, some experts think that diets lower in animal fat may help lower the risk. This, unfortunately, has not been proven in any clinical study.
Dr. Nagubadi of Urology Associates of N.W Indiana is skeptical. Asked if there was anything someone could do to help prevent prostate cancer, he replied, “No, not really.”

The combination of age and genetics are still the biggest determinants of who gets prostate cancer, and unfortunately, science and medicine still haven’t figured out a way to overcome either of those factors.

For More Information about Prostate Cancer:

The National Cancer Institute: http://www.cancer.gov/prostate

Prostate Cancer Treatment information: http://www.cancer.gov/cancerinfo/pdg/treatment/prostate/paient/

Know Your Options: Understanding Treatment choices for Prostate Cancer: http://www.cancer.gov/cancerinformation/understand-prostate-cancer-treatment

The Prostate Cancer Foundation
http://www.prostatecancerfoundation.org/

2006-09-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

HOW TO MAKE A GERMAN LAUGH

By Rick Kaempfer

(From the October/November issue of SHORE magazine--www.visitshoremagazine.com)

Because I was raised in Germany by German parents, during Oktoberfest season I’m often asked to help explain my German comrades. The most common question I hear is this: How do you make a German laugh?

I’ve never had a good answer for that. I’ve always known what doesn’t work. Sarcasm and irony, for instance, are both completely out of the question. After all, psychologists have even stopped using ink blots with Germans because they always identified the pictures as…”inkblots.”

I have noticed a smile on a German once or twice during a slapstick comedy program, but even that doesn’t always work. My son, who inherited the Germanic gene, once pointed out that mercury was toxic while watching Moe shoving a thermometer in Curly’s eye. Germans tend to be a tad literal. They are efficient, punctual and practical, but let’s face it; they aren’t funny.

After 40 plus years of trying, I finally had an epiphany the other day while visiting one of my many German relatives. What if I used one of the words that best describes Germans (practical), and applied that to my attempts at humor?

Germans must love practical jokes, right?

That’s why I have developed a series of German practical jokes that can be fun for you and your whole German family. Feel free to use any of these, but I urge you—please have a paramedic standing by, just in case.

1) Tell your mother that you’re leaving your good job to pursue a career in the theater. When she asks about your health insurance coverage, simply reply that you, your wife and 3 kids feel great so “what could possibly happen”?

2) Start writing mushy cards to your uncles. Better yet, tell them in person and touch them as much as possible.

3) Volunteer to mow your father’s lawn, and then mow it counter-clockwise.

4) Sneak in your Aunt’s house and rearrange her Hummel collection. Put the little boy fishing where the little milk jug girl should be.

5) Take your grandmother shopping and purposely go through the 10 items or less aisle with 11 items. Tell the clerk that it was your grandmother’s idea.

6) Take your grandfather to a soccer game, and then don’t sit in your assigned seats. Say “follow my lead if the people who really have these seats ever show up.”

7) When the food gets passed around, serve yourself only vegetables. When someone asks why say, “I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.”

Try these out at your German house and report back to me. You may not get any laughs out of your victims, but if you don’t find their reactions hilarious, you might be a little too German yourself.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

2006-09-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

OKTOBERFEST
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the October/November issue of SHORE MAGAZINE www.visitshoremagazine.com)

It started as a wedding celebration. 198 years ago, Prince Ludwig of Bavaria married Princess Therese, and invited the entire city of Munich. More than 40,000 people showed up to party, and an annual tradition was born.

Other than a few minor improvements (like moving it up a few weeks to avoid colder weather, and eliminating the horse race), Oktoberfest remains basically the same today: A big outdoor party with free-flowing beer, German food, and Oompah bands. Anything claiming to be an Oktoberfest that doesn’t include those things is not authentic.

While Munich is still the Oktoberfest headquarters of the world, the large German-American population in this country has helped the tradition spread here. The largest Oktoberfest is held in Cincinnati (over 500,000 attend each year), but don’t forget that Chicago is also famous for its many Oktoberfests.

Chicago-Area Oktoberfests

If you plan it right, you can go to an authentic Oktoberfest in the Chicago area every weekend for an entire month. All of the following Oktoberfests have the four essential ingredients (Tents, beer, brats, and oompah).

German-American Fest-Oktoberfest (September 8-10), 4800 N. Lincoln in Chicago
This extremely popular Oktoberfest is always staged the weekend of the Von Steuben German Day Parade. It starts the Friday before the parade (the parade is at 2pm on Saturday September 9), and continues through Sunday night. There’s no cover to get in, but tickets are required for beer and food.

Fox Valley Oktoberfest (September 15-17), 815 S. Randall Rd. & College Green Dr. in Elgin
Billed as the largest and most-authentic 3-day Oktoberfest in the Chicago area, this fest is put on every year by the German-American National Congress (D.A.N.K) and the South Elgin Chamber of Commerce. Admission is free and so is parking. Fox Valley also has a carnival for the kids.

Lake Zurich Oktoberfest (September 22-24), 24955 North Rand Road in Lake Zurich
The food lineup in Lake Zurich also includes vendors like Culver’s and Brothers Ribs. Admission is $5.

St. Alphonsus Oktoberfest (Sept 29-Oct 1), 1429 W. Wellington Ave, in Chicago
One of the city’s oldest churches was built and founded by German Americans and celebrates it heritage with a weekend Oktoberfest celebration. Admission is $5.

Indiana Oktoberfests

Some of the recent nearby celebrations like the Oktoberfest at Moser’s Farm and the Laporte County Fairgrounds Oktoberfest will not be held this year. Moser’s Michigan Street Café in New Carlisle will have some Oktoberfest events (574-654-8466), and other German or Austrian restaurants will have Oktoberfest themed-celebrations, but if you want to attend a full-scale traditional authentic open air Oktoberfest in Indiana, you may have to travel a little south.

Anderson Oktoberfest, (September 28), 32 W. 10th Street in Anderson, Indiana
This traditional (although it’s only one day) Oktoberfest has been an annual event for a decade. They have German food, music, dancers, and beer, but unlike other Oktoberfests they also have an activity area for artist demonstrations including glass blowing. Anderson is located in Central Indiana, southwest of Muncie and northeast of Indianapolis.

Seymour Oktoberfest, (October 5-7), downtown Seymour, Indiana
Seymour is the hometown of John Cougar Mellencamp, and the site of the most popular Oktoberfest in the state. Seymour’s Oktoberfest has been going strong for more than 30 years. Of course they have the big three requirements, but they also have a parade, a carnival, contests and a flea market. Seymour is located an hour south of Indianapolis on Interstate 65, where it crosses U.S. 50.

Michigan Oktoberfests

The German American National Congress (D.A.N.K) in Benton Harbor (2651 Pipestone) has an Oktoberfest celebration two Saturday nights (the 21st & the 28th) in October, but for the bigger events, you’re going to have to travel a little further north.

Pentwater Oktoberfest, (October 14), Village Green & Village Pub in Pentwater, Michigan
This one day Oktoberfest has an entertainment tent, live auction, classic car and hot rod show, dance contests, a strudel bake-off, and of course beer and brats.

Frankenmuth Oktoberfest, (September 14-17), Heritage Park in Frankenmuth, Michigan
This is the premiere Oktoberfest in the state of Michigan. Frankenmuth’s celebration is the first Oktoberfest outside of Munich to be sanctioned by the Bavarian Parliament and the City of Munich. In its 17th year, Frankenmuth’s Oktoberfest has it all: Entertainment recruited from Germany, traditional German food and beer, amusement park rides for the kids, and even Wiener Dog races. Admission is $8 for adults, ages 15 and under are free. Frankenmuth is located just north of Flint on I-75.

Oktoberfest Etiquette

Whether you attend an Oktoberfest in Illinois, Indiana or Michigan, there are really only two things you must know once you arrive.

#1: The words to “Ein Prosit.”
#2: The steps to “The Chicken Dance.”

Ein Prosit

Every German band will play this song at least a dozen times a night. You’ll recognize it quickly. The lyrics go like this:

“Ein Prosit, Ein Prosit, Der Gemuetlichkeit.
Ein Prosit, Ein Prosit, Der Gemuetlichkeit.”
(Translation: A Toast, A Toast, To Happiness. A Toast, A Toast, To Happiness)

When the song is over, the spoken toast begins immediately. It goes like this:
“Oans, zwoa, drei, Gsuffa”
(Translation: One, Two, Three, Guzzle)

Ignore the toast and the order to guzzle at your own peril.

The Chicken Dance

While this isn’t technically a German tradition, it has become a staple of American Oktoberfests. Here are the Chicken Dance steps.

1. Face your dance partner.
2. When the music starts, open and close your hands like a chicken beak four times.
3. Put your thumbs in your armpits and flap your wings four times
4. Wiggle down to the floor four times
5. Clap four times
6. Repeat first five steps four times.
7. Lock arms and spin your partner.
8. Change Directions and spin again.

Off you go

Now that you know how to assess a proper Oktoberfest, where to find some in the area, and what to do when you get there, you have all the information you need except for one last piece of advice.

Bring a designated driver.

You won’t be sorry.

2006-07-08T22:06:00.001-07:00

A Man and His Grill

By Rick Kaempfer

(From the July 2006 issue of Shore Magazine)

There’s an e-mail joke going around the internet mocking men and their grills. According to this e-mail, women do everything (buy the food, make the salad, prepare the vegetables, marinate the meat, organize the plates and cutlery, etc.), and all men do is put the meat on the grill and take the credit.

There may be a glimmer of truth to that e-mail, but it doesn’t begin to explain why a man has such a personal relationship with his grill. It’s not just because it’s so easy to grill meat. It’s not just because a man can feel the glow of praise caveman hunters must have felt after they provided meat for a whole family or neighborhood.

It’s much deeper than that.

A grill has everything a man loves--fire, heat, smoke and meat--plus it lacks something a man needs to escape every now and then. It’s a natural woman repellant; more powerful than a cigar. A backyard grill is more than just the place where the meat cooks. It’s the place where men congregate, and women stay away. It’s a place where, if you’re willing to endure a little coughing and sweat pouring from your brow, a man can be a man.

Without women around, we can tell jokes. No one groans when the joke begins. No one rolls their eyes before, during, or after a joke...even with smoke pouring into them. If the joke isn’t funny, we still offer a polite laugh, followed by “That’s a good one.” That’s proper joke etiquette. And the only place we’re certain to experience it is near a grill.

What else can men do while grilling? We can talk about the local sports teams and players without stopping to provide translations (“They call it a field goal in basketball too”) or answering questions that shouldn’t be asked like: “Are you talking about the cute one with the big arms?” We can emit bodily functions without being punched. We can use bad language without offending anyone. We can ask someone to fetch us a beer without getting that glare in return—because the cooler is never more than five feet away. Instead, we’ll hear the correct response.

Bob: “What kind you want?”
Chuck: “How bout a Heineken.”
Bob: “You got it. Coming right up.”

If we don’t have anything to say, that’s fine too. There’s no pressure. We can just stare at the meat together in silence. We don’t mind silence. When we want to talk again, we have a guaranteed topic of conversation. The meat.

Bob: “You might want to flip that one.”
Chuck: “You may be right.”
Bob: “What kind of sausage is that?”
Chuck: “Not sure. The little lady bought it.”

We can use terms like “the little lady” or “the little woman” or “the old lady” freely and openly. We can pretend like it’s our world, like we have some say in what we do, and when the little lady comes to check on the progress of the meat and says something like “it’s not supposed to be black, you know” we can look at each other knowingly.

Then we can wait for her to return with a plate, sipping our beers, stabbing at the blackened chicken or sausage or steak or burger; enjoying our last few moments of male-bonding seclusion. We know that once the meat is done, our little world will be snatched away from us. Our perfect little escape hatch will be closed, and we’ll be forced to return to a discussion of curtains and carpets and imaginary paint colors.

If you pay attention, it’s not the women giving us “too much credit” for our grilling prowess upon our return to the party. It’s the other men—the ones who weren’t lucky or savvy enough to escape to the grill. An overly-enthusiastic trapped male will praise us the second he sees the tray of meat. The conversation will go something like this...

Woman #1: “Is your living room coral or salmon?”
Woman #2: “Would you believe it’s really more of a muted Navajo?”
(Meat tray arrives)
Trapped Guy: “HEY! There they are! Great job on the meat, Chuck! It looks perfect.”
Chuck: “Bob helped me.”
Bob: “Yup.”
(The women all roll their eyes.)

Don’t get us wrong. It’s not that we don’t like women—we really, really, really do. It’s just that every now and then we like to pretend that we aren’t completely controlled by them. Unfortunately, one of the few remaining places to do that is really hot and smoky, but we’ve learned to find the positives in that too.

Chuck: “Why don’t you squirt some more lighter-fluid on the fire.”
Bob: “You mean it?”
Chuck: (evil smile) “Yup.”
(Lighter fluid is squirted.)
Bob & Chuck: “Ooooh!”
Bob: “Now that’s a fire.”
Chuck: (evil smile) “Yup.”

We may be simple creatures, but look on the bright side. We’re very easy to please. Just give us some fire, some heat, some smoke, and some meat, and we’ll let the ladies talk about imaginary paint colors all day long.

We even promise not to roll our eyes.

2006-06-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

LAWN SPORTS AND GAMES

By Rick Kaempfer

(From the July 2006 issue of Shore Magazine, available on-line at www.visitshoremagazine.com)

There was a time, kids, when people gathered for backyard parties and played games instead of watching them. It’s true. Look it up.

These games are slowly making a comeback. Backyard games like bocce, croquet, badminton, bean bag games, horseshoe pitching, Frisbee and more, may once again become common sights around your neighborhood.

For those of you thinking about bringing these former staples back into your regular yard party rotation, we offer this quick refresher course.

Badminton
(For a complete list of Badminton rules, go to www.usabadminton.org)
Some people may not be comfortable playing a game with terms like “Shuttlecock” and “Birdie,” but Badminton has been around for hundreds of years in places like China and India. The name “Badminton” comes from the estate name of the duke of Beaufort in England. It’s a racquet sport like tennis, but an inexpensive badminton set (with racquets and net) can be purchased for less than $40 at most sporting goods stores. Badminton can be played at a very competitive level (it’s been an Olympic sport since 1992), but it’s also the perfect backyard sport because it doesn’t require much space, it can be played by all ages, and the next “birdie” that breaks a window will be the first.

Bean Bag Games
Bean Bag toss games have become wildly popular over the past few years, and one of the reasons is that they can be played indoor and outdoor. The standard two-color beanbag game with two laminated boards (that each have a bean bag sized hole) is probably the most popular. Teams of two compete with four bean bags per person, and much like horseshoe pitching, score points based on who gets the most closest to (or in) the hole. The popularity of this basic version of the game has spawned all sorts of variations—from tic-tac-toe beanbag, to large vinyl beanbag targets shaped like fish or clowns or football players or baseball diamonds or hopscotch or dart boards. For around $30 you could have a bean bag game that entertains your entire party.

Bocce
(For more information about Bocce, go to United States Bocce Federation website at www.bocce.com)
Bocce players often take this game veeerry seriously, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be a fun lawn party game. The advantage of bocce is the number of people that can play at one time. There are four bocce balls per team, so there can be either one, two or four players per team. Bocce balls are heavy, so it’s probably not the best sport for smaller kids, but the basic rules are pretty easy to follow. The “pallina” or “jack” ball is thrown by the team that wins the flip, and then each thrower tries to get the bocce ball closer to the pallina than the person before him. It is permissible to knock balls away, which makes for fun competition. A nice bocce set will set you back over a hundred dollars, but for backyard purposes, a simple beginner set will probably suffice and can be found for less than $50.

Croquet
(For a complete set of croquet rules, go to www.croquet.com )
Croquet is making a major resurgence in America; even becoming popular as an activity at corporate events and parties. In this country, it’s still considered a backyard picnic type sport, but it’s played competitively in twenty other countries like New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and Australia. (In Australia it’s as popular as Olympic sports like boxing and rowing.) If you’ve ever played croquet, you know how fun it can be. It truly is a sport that can be played by any age, male or female. All you need is a croquet set, a nice sized yard, and at least one party guest with a hypercompetitive streak to make things interesting. Players hit wooden balls with wooden mallets through a series of nine or ten wire arches named wickets. The course is set up in a double diamond with stakes on either end, and the first player to get all of his balls through the wickets, hitting the second stake is the winner. Like bocce, a nice croquet set can get a little pricey, but you should be able to find a decent set for around $50.

Frisbee Games
(A complete list of rules for Frisbee or disc-golf, and we mean complete—it’s something like 20 pages long - go to the Professional Disc Golfers Association website at www.pdga.com )
Of course the Frisbee has never gone completely out of style because it’s light, inexpensive, and easy to transport. However, the games that are played with the Frisbee have gotten quite complex. Probably the most popular Frisbee game is disc-golf. This combines the rules of Frisbee and golf—the object is to make the fewest number of throws to get your Frisbee through each hole. Of course, you’ll need lots of room to do this correctly. If you have a gigantic backyard or nearby park, it’s tough to beat disc-golf. The hoop targets tend to get a little pricey (you’ll probably pay over $300 for a complete 9-hole set), and the outside of the boxes say the three words I most dread seeing, “Some Assembly Required,” but if you can get past the expense and the hassle, it’s a good time.

Horseshoe Pitching
(For complete horseshoe pitching rules, including the regulation pitching distances, go to www.horseshoepitching.com )
Horseshoe Pitching is the granddaddy of all the tossing games. The rules are almost exactly the same as a game called quoits (which was supposedly created by bored sailors who played it on ship decks with rings of rope—called quoits). Both quoits and horseshoes have been around forever; they were played all the way back in ancient Greece and Rome. They have also been popular in America since this country was founded. The main idea of each game is the same, get the horseshoes or quoits as close to the peg as possible. A ringer is 3 points, a leaner is 2 points, and if you get one closer to the peg than your opponent, it’s one point. You’re supposed to pitch the horseshoes into sandpits about thirty to fifty feet away, but everyone knows you can play it without the pits. A cheap rubber or plastic horseshoe kit can be found for about $10, but why not splurge and get the real deal? An official metal horseshoe kit is only about $30, plus it’s good luck. If you have a nice long yard, and can keep the kids away from the flying metal horseshoes, a great time can be had by all.

Lawn Darts
Did you just find your old “Jarts” or “Lawn Darts” in the back of your shed? Wouldn’t it be great to bring them out again and give those metal spikes another toss? Don’t do it. They have been illegal in America since 1988. The Consumer Product Safety Commission not only banned them, they urged everyone who owned them to destroy the lawn darts they had (and you weren’t paying attention, were you?) What could have possibly gone wrong with weighted metal spikes hurling through the air at backyard family gatherings? Well, apparently they caused thousands of injuries and three deaths. I did find a product called “Safety Lawn Darts” on the internet, but I wouldn’t recommend buying it...just to be safe. (Although it was only $9.95).

Can’t Buy Me Love

Of course, you don’t have to spend much money at all to have fun with lawn games. A simple ring toss game is basically the same as horseshoes, and it’s cheap. Even the tykes can play it. Plastic Scoop Toss games (based on lacrosse) are no more than $10. Or, if you really want to save money, how about a simple game of Kick the Can. Cost? One can. How about Capture the Flag? Cost? Two socks. Ghosts in the Graveyard? Free.

Remember, lawn games were invented to pass the time in a relatively non-strenuous way. If you’ve got the lawn, and you’ve got the players, and you’ve got the equipment, and you’ve got a bunch of couch potatoes crowding around the television at your family gatherings watching the ballgame, entice them to enjoy the outdoors by starting up one of these games.

It won’t take them long to remember why they used to love playing them so much.

2006-05-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

“Breaking Up With Technology”
By Rick Kaempfer

From the June 2006 issue of SHORE MAGAZINE (www.visitshoremagazine.com)

I’ve probably seen that Nokia commercial now a hundred times. You know which one I’m talking about—the one where the woman says the final step in breaking up with her boyfriend is the moment she deletes him from her cell-phone. Something about that commercial has bothered me since the first time I saw it, but it wasn’t until today that I realized what it was.

Granted, I’ve been married for fifteen years, and haven’t broken up with someone in almost twenty years, but it seems to me that one little beep is hardly grounds for feeling such a great sense of satisfaction. It’s empty. Not much to it. Just a simple beep doesn’t say “See you never, loser!” to me.

It got me to thinking about the ways breaking up has changed over the past few years thanks to technology. The whole dynamic is different now. You can judge for yourself if the new dynamic is better, worse, or about the same.

Then: Put all of her pictures in a pile, and set them on fire; watching her face melt, blacken, turn into ash, and evaporate into dust.
Now: Click, highlight, and delete her photos from your hard-drive.

Then: Driving past his house and throwing microwaved tomatoes at it.
Now: Sending a digital photo to his cell-phone—of you giving him the finger.

Then: Having to make one last visit to her apartment to get all your records back.
Now: Sending an e-mail asking her to e-mail your music back to you.

Then: Risking it all by listening to the radio after the break up, knowing that at any moment the DJ could inadvertently play “your” song.
Now: I-Pod, baby. Either delete “your” song entirely, or don’t use the shuffle feature for a few months—just in case.

Then: Driving by to see if her lights are on.
Now: Using a scanner to listen in on the baby monitor.

Then: Sending him a pizza at 3 in the morning.
Now: Sending him a computer virus at any time.

Then: Re-reading her love letters from a happier time, glossing over the bad times and only remembering the good times.
Now: Looking at your cell-phone bill and tracking the memory of each call…she loved me, she started to get irritated with me, she told me I was a jerk, she broke up with me, she told me that if I ever called her again she would get a restraining order.

Then: Reliving the grief a million times each time an unsuspecting friend asks how he is doing.
Now: Emergency IM session with a few hundred friends—all at once.

Then: You can’t even recognize her face on those deteriorating old “Private Polaroid’s.”
Now: “Ex-Girlfriend” websites can give her the kind of world-wide audience she never expected.

Then: Throwing all of his belongings onto the front lawn.
Now: Selling all of his belongings on E-bay.

Then: Using the remote code to check her answering machine messages while she’s at work, only to hear her new boyfriend’s voice on the machine.
Now: Checking her cell-phone voicemail and deleting messages from her new boyfriend before she can hear them.

See what I mean? The whole world of break ups has drastically changed. Also, it occurs to me some of the old classics have been destroyed by technology forever. For instance, in the old days you could call a million times waiting for that one chance to get her on the line. Now, with caller I.D, automatic callback, and privacy manager, you would be exposed as the psycho boy you really are. Also, you can’t use her phone number when you contribute to a charity anymore. What’s the use of getting her number on every single telemarketer’s phone list when she’s on the national no-call list?

Sigh. Oh well, I guess time marches on.

On the other hand, now that I’ve given the subject more extensive thought, I know what the woman from the Nokia commercial should do to get a little more forceful closure. She could take the best of then and now, mix them together, and create a really satisfying break up stew.

For instance, what if she printed up his digital pictures before she deleted them so she could burn them too? I think one or two toner cartridges is a small price to pay for the satisfaction of watching his face melt.

Or, what if she sent a digital picture of herself throwing microwaved tomatoes to his cell-phone? She would need a friend to help with this, but let’s face it—all of her friends probably hated him anyway. Hearing that old fashioned tomato splat is well worth the trouble of a coordinated photo assault (or so I’ve read).

Or, what if she sent him a pizza at 3 a.m. while she e-mailed him a computer virus? That would allow her to wake him up on a work night AND destroy his most expensive belonging without leaving the comfort of her home.

I know she seems pretty content in the commercial after she hears that little beep, but whatever happened to “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?”

I guess I’m just a hopeless old romantic.

2006-05-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Emergency Rooms"
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the Summer 2006 issue of GET HEALTHY magazine)

I always thought Emergency Rooms were supposed to be scary. They certainly seemed scary to me when I was a kid. We used to go there as a family to wait for my little brother while he was being stitched up every month or so. The waiting room was uncomfortable. Sick and injured people moaned in pain and dripped blood on the floor. Nurses and doctors came running in and out. Monitors beeped. Ambulance alarms whirred. And everyone waited for hours.

That’s what I was expecting the first time I accompanied my oldest son to the Emergency Room to get stitches. He was eight years old at the time and had a very deep cut in his chin. I tried to prepare him emotionally for the whole Emergency Room experience, but he looked at me like I was crazy. He had been there a few times before with his mother and wasn’t concerned in the slightest. I gave him a comforting hug.

“You are so brave,” I said. “I’m so proud of you.”

He actually rolled his eyes. That choked me up. This kid was like one of those cowboys in the old time Westerns. His eyes were saying…“It’s just a flesh wound, Hoss; let me dig out the bullet in peace. Now go out there and keep them rustlers away from our herd.”

He was still nonchalant when we walked into the Emergency Room and awaited our turn with the triage nurse. He made small talk with her, wincing only slightly when she looked at the gash on his chin.

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

“A little,” he said.

“A little?” I thought to myself. “That thing is going to need ten stitches.”

“It’s a pretty big cut,” she said, “but we’ll take care of it for you.”

“Are we going back there?” he asked, pointing to the door behind her.

She nodded.

Uh oh, I thought. Here it comes. Now he’s going to remember what happens behind those doors; the needles, the prodding, the pain. I prepared for the hysterical reaction. I saw how he behaved when some small thing went wrong, like his macaroni touching the vegetables on his dinner plate, and could only imagine what was coming. I hunkered down for the fit of all fits.

“Follow me,” she said.

We followed her through the door to the kid’s section of the Emergency Room. Suffice it to say, it has changed a little over the past thirty years. The colorful walls were painted with cartoon fish. The gigantic fish tank contained a rainbow of tropical fish worthy of the Shedd Aquarium. It was like walking onto the set of “Finding Nemo.”

When they opened the curtain to his room, he was actually excited. He jumped onto the bed, pressed the buttons to raise it to the level he preferred, adjusted the television to the proper angle, and began changing channels. While the nurse put the numbing agent on his chin, he was watching a Tom & Jerry cartoon on the Cartoon Network.

“Do you have any video games?” he asked.

I was about to chastise him for his prima-donna demands when the nurse surprised me.

“Sure,” she said. “What kind of video games do you like?”

“Do you have Super Mario Brothers?” he asked.

“I’ll go get it,” she said, and walked out of the room before I could even utter a response. My boy looked up at me and smiled.

“Dad,” he said, “You’re gonna love this one.”

I’ll admit it. I found myself watching him progress through the levels of the video game instead of watching the doctor stitch up his chin. When the stitching was done, and the doctor told us it was OK to leave, we both had the same reaction.

“After this next level,” we said.

She smiled and said, “I’m sorry, but we need the bed.”

My son started to get upset, so I put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’m sure you’ll injure yourself again. We’ll be back.”

“You promise, Dad?” he asked.

“I promise,” I said.

2006-05-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

"Happy Trails"
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the May 2006 Issue of SHORE MAGAZINE)

“The biggest trouble-maker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning."
-- Unknown Cowboy Philosopher

When a typical day consists of rushing from one place to the next, hurrying to pick up kids here, or drop them off there, or sprinting to catch the train to and from work, or eating in the car because you don’t have time to prepare a meal, or squeezing in a trip to the store to get your shopping done before coming home to collapse in a heap at the end of a frenzied frazzled day, it’s no wonder that when vacation time rolls around the last thing you want to do is the same thing...in a different location.

Sometimes you just want to mosey. When it’s time to mosey, there’s no better place to do it than a Dude Ranch.

What is a Dude Ranch Vacation?

“Don’t squat with your spurs on”
--Unknown cowboy philosopher

A Dude Ranch vacation is everything that our world isn’t. In a world of deafening noise, a dude ranch is quiet and peaceful. In a world of deadlines, a dude ranch is a place where a clock doesn’t dictate your day. In a world of high speed internet access, a dude ranch is a place where things move at a much slower pace.

A typical week at a dude ranch includes campfires, horseback orientation and training, horseback riding through the countryside, and lots of time spent in the great outdoors. Most dude ranches are geared to families, and offer activities like nature hikes, visits to local artisans, swimming, rafting, skeet shooting, archery, mountain biking, rock climbing, hot air ballooning, and fishing. For the less adventurous, many of them also have pools and hammocks and lounge chairs. “Vittles” at dude ranches range from the traditional cowboy campfire fare to gourmet dining, and most of the prices quoted by dude ranches include the cost of meals. It’s like a land-locked all-inclusive resort.

You can make a dude ranch vacation into anything you want it to be, provided you want to get away from the rat race.

Where do you find dude ranches?

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket."
-- Unknown Cowboy Philosopher

There are more than five hundred dude ranches in America, and most of them are listed at www.DudeRanches.com. That website has more than 470 listings of dude ranches in thirty-three states and Canada. The listings are pretty bare-bones in terms of information (address, phone number, etc.), but many of them include links directly to the websites of the dude ranches themselves.

If you really want the full dude ranch experience, you’ll probably want to head out West. Most of the Western States have a bevy of dude ranches, but there are a few states who really take pride in their cowboy heritage. Colorado, for instance, has over a hundred dude ranches. Wyoming, Texas, Montana, Arizona, and California also have quite a few. Think of what it would be like to experience the traditional cowboy lifestyle surrounded by some of this country’s most breathtaking scenery. The beautiful mountains and wide open spaces of these states are a perfect setting for riding. It really is very much like going back in time...without having to give up essential modern conveniences like beds, bathrooms, and showers.

But how do you know which dude ranch to pick? There are so many choices, it’s almost overwhelming. One way to help narrow the search is by checking with the various state dude ranch associations. Most of them provide “grids” which are easy to use and really helpful in the selection process. For instance, they can help you find which dude ranches are better for expert riders or beginners, which ones have the most additional activities, or which ones are rated the highest by visitors. Once you narrow down your search, a simple call to the dude ranch itself will help you learn more.

Most of these places are family run, and when you speak with the owner, you’re really getting a feel for what the experience will be like. Keep in mind that a ranch’s main focus is the riding program, so ask specifics about their instruction (What do you learn? How much time does it take to learn it? What sort of instructors do you have?), and the types of rides (all-day, 2-hour, unguided, guided, children’s, etc.). If there’s another part of the dude ranch lifestyle that you absolutely want to (or don’t want to) experience, this is the time to ask. Don’t settle for one that doesn’t have everything you want. With over 500 dude ranches in this country, you’re bound to find one that is absolutely perfect for you and/or your family.

What should you pack if you’re going to a dude ranch out west? If you’re going to the mountains remember that the temperatures fluctuate wildly from day to night. All of the dude ranches out there suggest you wear layers, and that you ride with long sleeve shirts, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat (with a hat string—that’s important so it doesn’t fly off), leather gloves, a bandana to keep the dust out of your mouth, jeans (no need to bring fancy stuff), and don’t forget sunscreen and insect repellant.

Local Dude Ranches

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
-- Unknown Cowboy Philosopher

While the Midwest isn’t exactly known for its dude ranches, there are a few that come highly rated in our area: In Michigan, the Rockin R in Bear’s Lake (45 miles southwest of Traverse City), in Illinois, the White Pines Ranch in Oregon (near Rockford) and in Wisconsin, the Woodside Ranch Resort in Mauston (15 miles northwest of Wisconsin Dells).

Rockin R Stables, 9061 Thirteen Mile Road, Bear Lake, Michigan, 616-864-3539, www.therockinr.com.

The Rockin R Stables is a throwback to the old cowboy experience. The lodging ranges from bunkhouses for groups, to campsites, to teepees (you read that right), to old fashioned log cabins, to a romantic honeymoon log cabin with a hot tub. They have a saloon, a general store, a stagecoach, rodeos on the weekend, and of course, riding stables. They say they can handle any level of rider, from the novice to the pro, and the Rockin R does have the advantage of riding trails that will take you to a point overlooking Bear Lake.

White Pines Ranch, 3581 Pines Road, Oregon, IL 61061, 815-732-7923, www.whitepinesranch.com

White Pines is a dude ranch just for kids, although they do occasionally have adults-only weekends. This ranch is a favorite destination for summer camps (during July & August) and school groups (the rest of the year). It’s more than just a fun place to visit, it’s educational. Several school districts in Illinois have actually made a weekend trip to White Pines a requirement for their students. That’s because in addition to the traditional dude ranch activities (horseback riding, hiking, campfires), White Pines also has outdoor education programs for students and teachers to study fossils, wildlife, vegetation, natural springs, and more. The kids stay in dormitories and are served buffet style in a cafeteria. Each kid is assigned a job and has to help with clean up after every meal.

Woodside Ranch, Highway 82, Mauston, Wisconsin 53948, 608-847-4275, www.woodsideranch.com

Woodside Ranch has been attracting visitors since the 1920s. In the past few years it has been expanded to include a conference, business, and fitness center, but the main attraction here is, and always will be, the dude ranch. The riding stable has over a hundred horses for riders of just about any level, but they also have ponies for the youngsters so that the parents can hit the trail. Is there a bar? Is this Wisconsin? You bet, although Woodside calls it a watering hole (read—adult watering hole). They also have a private pool and sauna, and a private fishing pond stocked with bass. You can choose to stay in a one, two or three bedroom cabin, or in one of the main lodge ranch house rooms (which sleeps two to six people), and the food is served family-style in the main dining room every night.

It’s Not Just a Vacation, It’s a Philosophy

“Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.”
---Unknown Cowboy Philosopher

The one sure thing about visiting a dude ranch is that you’ll run across one of these unknown cowboy philosophers offering a little homespun wisdom. It may make you chuckle a bit as you sit around the campfire, but after you return to your life, when you least expect it (during rush hour traffic, or waiting for your kid’s soccer practice to end), it will pop back in your head. And at that moment, you’ll know precisely what he meant by; “Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction."

2006-04-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

Returning Home: Heidelberg, Germany
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the May 2006 issue of SHORE MAGAZINE)

When my family left Heidelberg in 1980 to move to the United States, I was seventeen years old. It was nearly two decades before I returned, and I must admit I had mixed emotions as my train arrived at the Heidelberg Bahnhof. For a town that is 800 years old, some huge changes had taken place since I last visited.

For one thing, it’s not even in the same country anymore. It’s not West Germany; it’s just plain old Germany. Another important difference was that Deutsche Marks were being phased out in favor of a brand new currency, the Euro. Most importantly, my American friends didn’t live there anymore. They were dispersed all over the globe; many of them now starting fourth and fifth-generation military families of their own.

Nevertheless, when I stepped off that train, at precisely the correct arrival time (German precision), I felt something strange. The German language, which had lain dormant in my brain since my father passed away in 1989, suddenly resurfaced. After putting my suitcases in a train station locker, I also lost control of my feet. Before I knew it, they walked me to the end of the Hauptstrasse, the main walking section in the heart of Old Heidelberg.

From the town square I could see the Heidelberg Castle, the symbol of the town, and the site of my high school prom. I stood there and waited for the emotions to overwhelm me. As great as it was to see that 16th century fortress again, I felt no more than a slight tingle in my heart. The physical surroundings had remained the same, but without my friends and family to share it with, something was missing.

I decided to go around the corner to a sidewalk café my buddies and I used to frequent. When I saw the familiar face of the same old proprietor manning the bar, everything slowly started to change. I took a seat at our old table, and suddenly my buddies were there too. The familiar schnitzel smell wafted from the kitchen, and suddenly my family was there too. A thought occurred to me, and I picked up the menu and flipped to the beer page. When I saw my Dad’s favorite beer on the menu, I knew what I had to do.

“Ein Stuttgarter Hofbrau, bitte,” I said.

“Natuerlich,” said the proprietor.

There was something comforting in seeing a familiar face in this familiar place. Plus, the jukebox inside the café was playing “Ich Hab Mein Herz in Heidelberg Verloren” (“I lost my heart in Heidelberg”), a song I hadn’t heard in years. In the back of my mind I knew I would be hearing that song in every Heidelberg shop and restaurant, but I still wasn’t prepared for the emotional wallop it provided. When my Stuttgarter Hofbrau arrived, I lifted the glass and looked up at the bright blue Heidelberg sky.

“Prosit, Dad,” I said. “We’re home.”

2006-04-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dawn's Early Light
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the April 2006 issue of SHORE MAGAZINE)

One high profile arrival and one high profile departure have suddenly made things in the country’s most competitive radio market interesting again. In early November Jonathon Brandmeier returned to Chicago to reclaim his morning job at WLUP (97.9 FM), and in January Howard Stern left terrestrial radio altogether (and WCKG in Chicago) for the brave new world of Sirius Satellite Radio. This new shuffling of the deck has the potential to disrupt long-time listening habits in a way that hasn’t occurred in years.

Brandmeier’s Return

Advertisers covet the 25-54 year old market, and those listeners have clearly been attracted to more controversial personality shows over the last few decades. In the 80s and early 90s, Brandmeier dominated this market segment in Chicago, regularly finishing #1. However, in his absence, it wasn’t Howard Stern that replaced him atop the ratings; it was the Eric & Kathy Show (WTMX—101.9 FM). Although Eric and Kathy are not exactly known as controversial, they are undeniably popular. What is the secret of their success?

“It doesn’t hurt that we’re from here,” explains Eric Ferguson. “Chicago embraces it’s own. Plus, if you respect the listener and value them, they can sense that. The listeners are one of the main components, if not the main component of our show.”

Eric and Kathy (far right and far left) at a recent charity event

The vast majority of those listeners are women. Eric & Kathy simply dominate the female audience in Chicago. Because of that, it’s not likely Brandmeier (who has traditionally appealed to a male audience) will easily supplant them from the top spot. Not that they aren’t going to keep an eye on him.

“As a guy who grew up listening to Johnny,” Eric says, “I have the utmost respect for him. He was the man. But the shoe is on the other foot now. He’s the one that has the climbing to do, because he has been gone a long time.”

Of course it’s still too soon to tell, but the early returns are encouraging for The Loop.

“We are sensing throngs of listeners returning to us, some of which haven’t listened to The Loop since he was here in the 90’s” says WLUP Program Director Tim Dukes. “We’re thrilled to have Johnny back with us.”

Will he make it all the way back?

“The jury is still out,” says WGN morning host Spike O’Dell. “I’m not sure the ‘I’m not leavin 'til I’m heavin’ approach will still play now that he’s almost in his fifties, but I’m happy he’s back. I’ve followed his career for years and I’m a fan.”

“I think he has a chance to recapture his audience if they merchandise him correctly,” opines ESPN-AM 1000 Program Director Jeff Schwartz. “His former audience was very devoted, but he has been gone from mornings for a long time. That’s a big burden to overcome.”

Stern’s Departure

Does Howard’s departure from WCKG present a huge opportunity for other stations in the market? Not everyone thinks so.

“I honestly think of all the stations losing Howard Stern, WCKG will be the least affected,” says Schwartz, a former WCKG Program Director. “WCKG was never a Howard station. It has always been a Steve Dahl station that happened to carry Howard.”

That may be true, but it doesn’t mean other stations don’t smell blood in the water.

“With Howard leaving, it creates an opportunity for every station that targets adult men,” said Dukes.

The man charged with keeping Stern’s listeners, new WCKG morning host “Rover,” is completely unknown in Chicago. And while it’s tempting to dismiss this Cleveland import, long-time Chicago radio listeners should remember that another oddly named out-of-towner arrived in 1993 and was given the same remote chance of success. Remember Mancow? Mancow is still here (Q-101) and still doing well, although this time he won’t be rooting for another unlikely success story. He wants those Stern listeners for himself.

“Stern had a respectable audience,” WLS Program Director Kipper McGee points out, “But Mancow was already beating him in every key male demographic.”

Of course that’s not stopping other stations from aggressively targeting Howard’s audience. The big question is how much of Stern’s audience will remain with Howard. His show will still air in Chicago on Sirius Satellite Radio, and he will now be granted “total freedom of speech.” Is that a recipe for success? His former competitors are skeptical.

“I may eat my words on this,” says Spike O’Dell, “but I’m not convinced that many people are going to rush out and buy a satellite radio for Howard.”

“They may check him out at first,” says Eric Ferguson, “but I don’t know if it will really be sustainable for him. I’ve always thought what Howard did best was paint a word picture without hitting people over the head with it. With all of his restrictions removed, when he can say whatever he wants, it kind of loses something.”

The Kings of Chicago Radio

One important segment of the Chicago radio market unlikely to be affected by the recent changes is news/talk radio. Spike O’Dell (WGN-720 AM) has hosted one of the top rated shows in Chicago since he succeeded long-time ratings champ Bob Collins in 2000.

“I think they thought I was a friendly enough voice to take the job for a short time until they could get someone else,” Spike says modestly about his rise to the morning post. O’Dell’s critics have long maintained that his numbers would eventually decline, but it has now been almost six years since Collins perished in a plane crash (February 9, 2000). Isn’t it about time to give Spike O’Dell some credit?

“I’ve been underestimated my whole life,” he admitted with a chuckle. “I relish the challenge of proving everybody wrong.” And he has done it consistently. Tune in on any given morning and you won’t just hear people talking about the news, you’ll hear the newsmakers themselves; whether it’s Illinois Senators Dick Durbin and Barack Obama, or celebrities like Donald Trump and Billy Crystal.

But Spike isn’t alone on the Chicago news/talk landscape. In the most recent Arbitron survey, the top three morning shows in Chicago were all news-talkers. Spike O’Dell may have come in at #1, but he was closely followed by Felicia Middlebrooks & Pat Cassidy (WBBM-AM 780) and Don & Roma (WLS-AM 890). All three shows have now been around for quite awhile.

“Longevity is one the keys to Don & Roma’s success,” says WLS Program Director Kipper McGee. “Their loyal fan base knows who Don & Roma are, what they do and where to find them. They are also one of the hardest working teams in the business; literally up at midnight to prepare for a 5 AM show.”

The Best of the Rest

The competition in Chicago morning radio is so fierce, that we haven’t even mentioned six of the top ten Chicago morning shows yet. Urban radio stars Crazy Howard McGee on WGCI FM 107.5 and Tom Joyner on WVAZ FM 102.7 were rated 5th and 6th respectively according to the most recent Arbitron ratings (at press time). Two Spanish-language shows (hosted by Rafael “El Pistolero” Pudilo from WOJO FM 105.1 and Miguel “El Chokolate” Silva from WLEY-FM 107.9) also have huge audiences. None of those shows are likely to be affected by the changes in the market, nor are the others rounding out the top ten; the underrated country music show on WUSN-FM 99.5 (Big John Howell & Ramblin’ Ray) and the jazz show hosted by legendary musician Ramsey Lewis on WNUA-FM 95.5.

Perhaps an even greater testament to the quality of talent in Chicago is the list of shows that don’t make the top ten. Hosts like Mancow on Q-101, Eddie & Jobo on B-96, Drex on Kiss-FM (103.5), Mike North on the Score (AM 670), Melissa Forman on The Lite (93.9 FM), Mike & Mike on ESPN (AM 1000), Bill Bennett on WIND (AM 560), Jerry Springer on Air America (AM 850), Lin Brehmer on WXRT (93.1 FM), Steve Downes on the Drive (97.1 FM), John Monds on WILV (100.3 FM), and Scott Shannon on Oldies WZZN (94.7 FM) are all personalities that are either nationally known, previously placed in the Chicago top ten, or had tremendous success in other markets.

“Chicago has always had superior morning talent compared to other major cities,” is the way WLUP’s Dukes describes it.

Can Brandmeier crawl over all of them to reclaim his spot atop the ratings? Can Rover make a dent in such a crowded market? Can Howard convince enough people to pay for his program? What about Oldies WZZN’s promise to hire a local show? What impact would the return of another big talent like John Records Landecker or Bob Sirott or Garry Meier have on the Chicago morning landscape?

Only time can answer those questions.

In the meantime, it sure will be fun to listen.

Match the Chicago radio star with his real name.
1. Mancow
2. Spike
3. Drex
4. Rover

A. William
B. Erich
C. Shane
D. Kevin

(Answers: 1B, 2A, 3D, 4C)

Ratings fluctuate slightly, but the number one show among all Chicago listeners is usually the Spike O’Dell show on WGN, and the number one show among 25-54 year old listeners is usually the Eric & Kathy show on WTMX. Both shows are produced by former Jonathon Brandmeier producers: Jim Wiser (Spike) and John Swanson (Eric & Kathy).

The Grand Rapids market has also been jolted recently by the return of a former legend. After being away for nearly twenty years (in St. Louis & Chicago), Kevin Matthews is back to host the morning show at WLAV (he is also the Director of Development for LAV). “It’s been really wonderful,” he said. “I went to school here, got married here, my son Trevor was born here, and I’m working with the guy who first hired me in radio (newsman Ed Buchanan). It’s good to be home.” How does the Grand Rapids market differ from Chicago? “It’s just as competitive,” he said. “But this is a historic classic rock station (96.9 FM), and it’s incredible working somewhere people actually want to work instead of a place where people are handing out their resumes.” Kevin has his hands full in Grand Rapids, a town dominated by Clear Channel (5 of the top 10 stations are owned by Clear Channel), but he takes over the morning show as a known quantity. “Even when I was at AM 1000 (in Chicago), the signal reached to this part of Western Michigan.” Some of the other top shows in Grand Rapids include The B-93 Moynin Boys Neal and Reese (which is popular in Kalamazoo too), Husband and wife team Dave & Geri on WLHT (95.7 FM), Steve & Sabrina on WSNX (104.5 FM), and former Detroit morning hosts Wilhite & Wall (Thunder 94.5).

2006-03-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

"Unhandy Man"
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the April 2006 issue of SHORE MAGAZINE)

I used to feel guilty about my skills as a handyman. I don’t have any. I’m more of a “Wow your hands are really soft, do you use Palmolive?” kind of guy. If it’s broken, I can’t fix it. That’s not just being defeatist, that’s forty-plus years of experience saving me lots of heartache and humiliation. And I used to feel very guilty about it.

After all, I’m a man, a son, a husband, and a father. For years I felt the shameful sting of being unhandy. My widowed mother would give me that “Where did I go wrong?” look when she asked for my help with something in her house. My wife would give me that “I didn’t read the fine print when I married this guy” look every time something broke in our house. My three sons said “How can I ever be handy when you’re my father?” with their eyes. Each and every look from them was a dagger.

The shame I felt wasn’t confined to my family’s opinion of me—it was a society-wide shame. When we would go to neighborhood parties, the men would inevitably congregate near the grill, and I would pray the conversation never turned to home improvement projects. If it did, I knew better than to contribute anything at all to the conversation. I was certain that handy men could smell un-handiness on other men the way dogs smell fear. Any word, any exchanged eye-contact, would expose me. I had a key word or phrase in my back pocket just in case (say “intake manifold” or “drill chuck”), but I only uttered these in uncomfortable silence emergencies.

But that was the old me. I no longer feel guilty, and I no longer feel shame. I had an epiphany while a workman was fixing something in my handy friend’s house the other day: Nobody in the world is handy.

You read that correctly.

“Hey wait a minute!” you handy guys say, “I built the addition to my house myself with pinecones and a sandblaster.”

Fine. I’ll grant you, that’s quite impressive. But be honest with me; you’ve had to call a workman at least once or twice over the years, maybe even to “fix” something you already fixed, haven’t you? Did that person utter the following phrase?

“Whoever worked on this before didn’t know what the heck he was doing.”

That’s what I thought. Don’t feel bad. They say that to everyone, even other handy guys. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself when some unhandy friend asked you to help them out. It’s inevitable. It’s as much a part of the home improvement process as the building supplies themselves (note: I won’t attempt to identify what those are). Before the last nail is hammered, someone will utter the words:

“Whoever worked on this before didn’t know what the heck he was doing.”

It’s not an exaggeration to say I’ve heard it every single time anyone has done any work in my house. The first ten or fifteen years I heard it, I bought it. I figured I was simply living in bad homes with bad plumbing, appliances, electric, drywall, insulation, siding, windows, bricks, and concrete. Talk about bad luck. It wasn’t until I heard the same phrase being used at a handy friend’s house that I finally experienced an epiphany.

A gigantic weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that I know the secret. There are men all over the neighborhood working on their own homes who aren’t handy—they are at best “sort of handy.” And there are men all over the world making a living as “handymen” who will one day be called “someone who didn’t know what the heck he was doing” by the next handyman who comes by.

I’m no longer upset I can’t do it myself. From now on, when my wife or mother or sons give me that look, I’ll just walk away guilt free. When the guys at the neighborhood party start talking, I won’t be ashamed or avoid the conversation. I’ll just admit the truth unapologetically.

“I use the yellow pages, fellas, because I don’t know what the heck I’m doing.”

There I said it.

Now where did I put my Palmolive? My baby soft hands are feeling a little dry.

2006-02-10T20:13:00.000-08:00

“Men Who Pamper Themselves”
by Rick Kaempfer

From Spring 2006 issue of Get Healthy Magazine
A Publication of The Times

It’s one of those trends that many men tend to doubt, despite the extensive press it has received the past few years. Men are supposedly pampering themselves more and more—taking greater pride in their appearances and taking better care of their health. This trend supposedly extends to the formerly female world of spas and salons. I admit I had my doubts about this, but I tried my best to approach the subject with an open mind.

When I began my inquiry, however, I encountered a problem right away. I had no idea how to even bring up the subject with another man without offending him. I took baby steps. I intentionally spoke only to men with closets full of stylish clothing, or men who kept themselves physically fit. If anyone was partaking in this trend, I figured, it would be them.

I received mostly silence on the other end of the line. After clearing their throats, several of them admitted to getting massages. I couldn’t get any of them to admit to the more traditionally female spa treatments like facials, manicures, or pedicures. One of them, Ed D., even takes a four day spa vacation once or twice a year, but says that he only gets massages and takes the exercise classes. I pushed. Has he ever had a facial?

“That’s like surgery,” he said. “I don’t get that at all.”

Another one who admitted getting massages was adamant when I asked about taking care of a certain sensitive part of his body. Had he ever experienced a pedicure?

“Nobody touches my feet,” said Bob S. “Including me.”

After getting nowhere, I sent a mass e-mail to all of the men in my e-mail address book, asking if any of them were part of this new trend. I figured if they didn’t have to speak to me directly, they might admit to it. Not one of them responded. Two hundred e-mail addresses; Zero responses. I was starting to believe that this trend didn’t really exist.

When I placed calls to salons and spas in the area, I expected them to admit this “men pampering” trend was a bunch of hooey, but they shot me down right away. Each place I called told me that anywhere between 10-30% of their clientele are male. In fact, Angelica Bochenek of Niko Salon and Spa in Chicago, told me that her male customers are among her favorites.

“They stay loyal forever,” she said. “And they are better about keeping appointments than women. Even if they have to cancel, they will make a point of rescheduling.”

Are they embarrassed or tentative when they come in?

“Not at all. They do it all,” she said. “Facials, manicures, pedicures, eyebrow waxing, back waxing. And they come back regularly—every few weeks.”

So why couldn’t I find one?

“Ask your female friends,” she suggested. “They know which men go to spas.”

Within minutes of sending out a mass e-mail to the females in my e-mail address book, I had a long list of names and numbers. Apparently the trend is real, even if it remains taboo to discuss it openly man to man. When I got the men on the line, they were a little sheepish about discussing it at first, but eventually conceded it was true. They also pointed out something that I hadn’t yet considered. Most of them had been introduced to the world of spas and salons by a woman in their lives, and women loved sharing this experience with them.

“I started out by accompanying a former girlfriend to the spa,” said Jay De Castro, a business quality assurance analyst from Chicago. “She got me into facials and massages. A subsequent former girlfriend got me into eyebrow waxing. I think it was a dare.”

“My wife convinced me to go with her,” said Vinnie Walczak, a CPA from Northwest Indiana. “She sold me on the health benefits; and as a way to relieve stress.”

Of course, the health benefits are very real. Without getting into the grisly specifics (and trust me—I looked it up—it’s pretty grisly), of finger and toenail fungus; there’s really no downside to getting rid of it. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about either; over 30 million Americans suffer from some sort of finger or toenail fungus. Facials are healthy too; they clean out the pores, remove the toxins and dead skin, and help keep your skin youthful and blemish-free. Plus, there’s another aspect to facials, manicures and pedicures, I hadn’t considered. Each of them also involves a certain amount of massage to areas that desperately need it; your face, your hands and your feet. It doesn’t take a genius to realize how good that could feel.

“I felt a little funny getting a pedicure at first,” said Walczak. “But I’m a runner and my feet take a pounding. The foot massage felt great. It also feels good to get your hand massaged when you get a manicure.”

“Two words describe how I feel afterwards,” said De Castro, “Clean and relaxed. Especially facials and massages. They totally relax and rejuvenate me.”

“After I leave there, I sometimes feel a little weird,” admitted Fed Ex truck driver Mark Creghin of Bolingbrook. “But I’m definitely relaxed. Especially after the pedicures. I like sitting back and collecting my thoughts.”

They were making some very good arguments, but what else could they say to sell it to someone like, oh, I don’t know, maybe an uptight German who doesn’t feel he deserves any pleasure or comfort? Not that I know anybody like that; it’s a completely arbitrary hypothetical.

“Imagine,” said Walczak. “Four days of total relaxation in the middle of nowhere with nothing else to do. My wife and I spent our honeymoon at a spa. It was fantastic.”

Hmmm.

When I run into that hypothetical uptight German or his hypothetical and probably less-uptight wife, I’ll have to mention it to them. They could probably use a weekend like that.

Does the spa have cable? He’ll want to know.

2006-01-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

"Snow Dome King"
By Rick Kaempfer

From Home for the Holidays/A publication of the Times

It started out as a joke. My buddies and I went to Graceland in 1987 for the tenth anniversary of Elvis’ death just because we wanted to witness the spectacle. Let me tell you; it was memorable. We felt like we had inadvertently wandered into the capital city of Tackyland for the coronation of the King. As we passed black velvet Elvis portrait after black velvet Elvis portrait, a thought occurred to me. I wanted to bring home the tackiest memento I could find as a tribute to this amazing weekend.

When I saw a shelf full of $3 Elvis snow domes at the gift shop across the street from Graceland, I knew I had a winner. First of all, let’s face it, it was only three dollars. Secondly, the whole idea of honoring Elvis with a plastic water-and-fake-snow-filled dome seemed so profound. I had my own intellectual interpretation; the snow falling on his former home represents the chill the city of Memphis feels since he left us, and the snow falling on the Lisa Marie airplane represents the white light that awaited him as he “flew” up to his final destination.

That was the interpretation I planned on using when people asked me why I proudly displayed a Graceland snow dome in my home. I saw this plastic thing as nothing more than a conversation piece. How was I to know that it would become so much more than that? It was the beginning of a real problem; a sickness. From that moment on, whenever I traveled anywhere, I instinctively looked for a snow dome to commemorate my visit. I now own over a hundred snow domes from locations all over the world, and while I still mock them and come up with ridiculous kitschy reasons why a plastic water-and-fake-snow-filled dome is a perfect memento of a visit, I have to admit that I’ve grown to love these things.

In fact, I now effortlessly tick off my list of reasons to collect them.
=Affordability: The price is right. At most, a tourist snow dome will cost you five bucks. You’ll be hard pressed to find a better value for your collecting dollar.
=Convenience: There isn’t an airport in the world that doesn’t sell them. Your friends won’t even mind picking one up for you.
=Fun: Shake one and tell me it doesn’t bring a smile to your face. It’s fun for “kids” of all ages.
=Conversation: Since 1987 there hasn’t been a single visitor to my home that hasn’t asked me at least one question about my collection.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if you travel somewhere it never snows?
This was the first dilemma I faced when I began to expand my collection. I like to travel to warm destinations. Luckily, this is shockingly not a problem. Among the snow domes in my collection: Cayman Islands, Jamaica, Hawaii, Arizona, Acapulco, Cancun, Barbados, St. Kitts, Bermuda, and the Dominican Republic. To me, these are the crown jewels of my collection because the entire concept is so ridiculous.

What is your most prized snow dome?
My favorite has to be the Pope John Paul II snow dome. My brother picked it up for me when he visited the Vatican. Shake it and watch a submerged Pope get covered with snow inside a cheap plastic dome. It’s an obvious keepsake for Catholics.

Is this really a worldwide phenomenon?
I have snow domes from every continent on earth except Antarctica, the snowiest of the continents. In another ironic twist, the only location I have been completely unsuccessful finding one is China—where virtually all snow domes are made. Although I should note that I wasn’t the one who traveled to China; it was my sister-in-law. She might have just been too humiliated to purchase one. That happens occasionally.

Which one comes from the furthest location?
I would have to get out my atlas to check the actual mileage, but I have snow domes from Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong and Tokyo.

What are your favorites from this country?
I personally cherish the snow domes from places that have no business producing snow domes. I have one from Iowa. It features cows. I have one from Harvard University. That just seems like an odd choice for Harvard, doesn’t it? I also like the snow domes that commemorate events. The one I bought in Richmond, Virginia commemorates the Civil War. The one I bought in Atlanta commemorates the 1996 Summer Olympics. Last but not least, I have a Las Vegas snow dome that doesn’t have any pizzazz at all. I just thought that was funny.

Do you have any local snow domes?
I have one from Chicago, one from Wrigley Field, one from Springfield, Illinois, one from Indiana, one from Detroit, two from Lake Geneva, and one from Wisconsin that is exactly the same as my Iowa snow dome. Apparently, they got a deal on the cow picture. Minnesota and Ohio, by the way, both feature the exact same duck.

Why don’t you have any fancy snow domes?
I know there are beautiful glass snow domes on the market, but those don’t really fit into my personal collection. I pride myself in the cheapness factor.

Do you have any cautionary tales?
Take it from a father of three boys; a child as young as two years of age can throw a snow dome up to fifteen feet. While a snow dome may cost only $5, it may cost a little more to go to Australia to buy it. And if you’re like me, and you have a three year old little darling who likes to watch a recently deceased Pope fly through the air, you may have to take drastic measures. My entire collection is currently in a box in the basement until the kids move out of the house.

That has a tendency to take the fun out of any collection.

2005-12-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

"The Santa Threat"
By Rick Kaempfer

(From the Winter 2005-2006 issue of SHORE MAGAZINE)

You may not know the name Haven Gillespie, but if you’re a parent, he has given you the gift that keeps on giving. Since 1934, American parents have quoted this wise Kentucky philosopher on a regular basis; especially during the months between September and December. J. Fred Coots may have written the music that makes Gillespie’s words more memorable, but it’s the words themselves that have resonated with parents.

Haven Gillespie wrote the lyrics for “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

While it’s certain that parents used the Santa threat well before Gillespie wrote the lyrics for that song, he gave the threat credibility. I think that’s the secret to the song’s longevity—a reason why it has become a standard; a beloved holiday song. The music may be warm and comforting, but the lyrics are a none-too-subtle threat.

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to town

If you’re a parent that hasn’t quoted that song at one time or another, then you’re a saint. The temptation is simply too strong. When the little darlings are acting up, crying, or whining, and it’s during those glorious months between September and December, a simple humming of this song will often stop them in their tracks. It’s the Santa threat.

Sure, Santa brings presents, but he’s a little scary.

You better watch out!

Sure, Santa brings presents, but he hates whiners.

You better not cry
You better not pout

Parents may have told their kids this before 1934, but when the words are in a song, they have gravitas. Keep in mind this song was written during the Great Depression when children already knew they weren’t going to get much. The 1934 Santa had a much smaller bag, and he wasn’t going to bother putting toys in that bag for whiners or complainers. That must have been pretty obvious to kids in 1934, but I’m still glad Gillespie put it in the song. It’s not obvious to my kids. As a matter of fact, between January and September, I tell them not to whine, cry, and pout all the time—and it’s like I’m saying ‘blah, blah, blah.’ But during the autumn months, I simply sing Gillespie’s wonderful lyrics. It gives my words power and meaning, because…

Santa Claus is coming to town.

While the first verse is great for handling simple whining and crying problems, the second verse of the song is positively visionary. This is the verse that lets my kids know that the entire matter is out of my hands. I’d love to help them out, but I’m not the one keeping the list; Santa is. Take it up with the bald fat man at the North Pole. He’s the one that controls the presents, and he’s not around, so you’re wasting your breath begging me. What is the kindly old man doing right now?

He’s making a list,
He’s checking it twice.

I have probably said those words a thousand times in my ten years of parenthood. My oldest son Tommy nods knowingly when I sing it. Don’t question Santa. The man is a stickler for detail. Dad forgets things all the time, but he’s not keeping a list. That Santa character is the real deal. I once heard Tommy explaining to his little brother that Santa has people everywhere—a network of spies that rivals the KGB. You may run, but you can’t hide. Don’t believe me? Listen to the words…

He’s going to find out who’s naughty and nice.

I know I’m speaking for most parents in this country when I say: Thank you Haven Gillespie. Thank you for the crying, thank you for the pouting, thank you for the list, and thank you for making him check it twice, and thank you for not mincing words. It’s the “N” word, kids. It’s naughty. Case closed. You probably just made the list, and Santa isn’t the kind of guy who fools around. He’s a stalker.

He sees you when you’re sleeping,

That’s probably the scariest line in the song. I like to sing it in a sinister voice.

He knows when you’re awake.

I’m betting that not many parents use that line, but I have two boys who share a room. I’ve opened the door on school nights more than a few times to sing that line. It silences the boys instantly—like magic. I love that line, but not as much as I love the refrain. It’s what gives the song a happy ending—a course of action.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake.

Now that’s just the Santa threat in the most direct terms possible, but it comes with a positive message, even if it’s said through a forced smile. When a child is pouting, or whining, or wailing, or fighting, or doing anything at all other than what Mom and Dad want them to do, the solution is right there.

Be good for goodness sake.

Got it? Good. Now go to your room.

Most kids don’t even know the rest of the song. The next few verses are full of boys and girls having a jubilee, and kiddie cars and curly head dolls…but kids have a very hard time remembering those verses. The message of the first two verses and the refrain are still ringing in their darling little ears.

And for that, we should all thank Haven Gillespie.

If he hadn’t passed away in 1975, we would be calling him right now to commission another song. By ten in the morning on December 25th, if you try the Santa threat again, even if you sing the most powerful holiday song of all time, you will probably get a reaction something like this:

“Santa’s already been here. Look at all these presents! He loves me!”

I know I speak for most parents when I say it’s time for a new song to cover the time from December 25th to September 1st. That’s a long time to parent without such a powerful threat. Consider this a plea to the Haven Gillespie of the 21st century. I don’t want to be greedy, but if the words could say something about video games being taken away forever, that would be great.