AFTER THE WEDDING
By Rick Kaempfer






(From the Spring 2007 issue of LBV--La Bella Vita)






The honeymoon is over.

Literally.

When recently married couples settle into their day-to-day lives, and develop routines, their relationship turns into something completely different than it was before the wedding. How they handle this change is the key to a long and happy marriage.



The Most Common Mistake

We all know that everyone makes mistakes.

But did you know that most marital problems are caused by making the same mistakes over and over again?

Made by Husbands…

“The husband has to take the time to emotionally attend to his wife,” says John Ross Brown, a family and marriage therapist from Merrillville. “Men don’t need that as much as women do, so we don’t realize how important it is to our wives. They need to know they are #1 to us. Not simply accepted or tolerated, but celebrated as our equals.”

Brown, who has been counseling married couples for two decades, says that virtually all of the marital problems caused by husbands are variations on that same theme.

Made by wives…

By the same token, wives seem to make the same mistake over and over again too. It’s just a slightly different mistake.

“Men need to feel appreciated for what they do,” Brown says. “Women don’t need that as much as men do and don’t realize how important it is to their husbands. Testosterone drives men to achieve, and they need validation for their accomplishments. When wives diminish that, or don’t effectively celebrate it, it causes big problems.”

Brown has been counseling married couples for decades, and sees it time and time again. The root cause of a marital problem most often comes from a wife who doesn’t feel emotionally attended to, or a husband who doesn’t feel appreciated. Often it’s both.

The Four Big Landmines

In the early stages of a marriage, there are four areas that tend to be the biggest potential landmines for disputes: Housework, Sex, In-Laws, and Money.

It’s not difficult to see how the most common husband and wife mistakes can make all of these potential land mines even more combustible.


1. Housework

This is usually the first surprise a new wife confronts: the unbalanced division of labor in the home. Women tend to take on the lion’s share of the housework, and they may not even mind it at first.

“But resentment inevitably develops,” Brown says. “It makes them feel subservient.”

Although divvying up the duties on an itemized basis may be a little extreme, having a general discussion before the resentment kicks in is crucial. This will let the wife know she is an equal, while also giving achievable goals for the husband.

The key is to be realistic about dividing up the chores. Go with your strengths. If one spouse is persnickety about the bathrooms, for instance, he or she should take charge of that duty. Avoid your weaknesses. If one spouse is a notoriously bad chef, he or she should not be put in charge of cooking.

A little discussion, a little common sense, and a little courtesy to each other will go a long way in avoiding future fights.


2. Sex

This is usually the first surprise a new husband confronts: the diminishing frequency and enthusiasm of sex.

“This is probably the biggest complaint I hear from husbands,” therapist John Ross Brown confirms. “They usually don’t realize, however, that they may be the cause of the problem. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a marriage in which a husband was attentive to the emotional needs of his wife, where sex was a problem.”

Likewise, most of the female complaints about men in this department can be overcome by remembering the universal truth of the male psyche. Men respond to verbal applause. If the husband feels his performance is appreciated, he’ll have more confidence in this department, and sex complaints from his wife will be far more infrequent.


3. The In-Laws

The number of fights about in-laws, and the intensity of those fights, is a big surprise to most married couples. Mothers and fathers that seemed so nice before the wedding, suddenly look completely different after the wedding.

It’s understandable. The emotions are new for everyone involved. For the parents, they tend to react badly when they realize they are no longer number one in the lives of their children. For the young married couple, after spending their entire lives seeking validation from their parents, they have a much more difficult time breaking free than they expected.

“The key is not to develop coalitions with anyone other than your spouse,” Brown warns.

This isn’t easy to do. The wife has been made to feel number one by her parents her whole life. That’s what she needs, and if her husband isn’t giving it to her, she is easily tempted. The husband has had his accomplishments appreciated by his parents his whole life. That’s what he needs, and if his wife isn’t giving it to him, he is easily tempted.

Of course, sometimes even with a strong husband-wife alliance, the in-laws can still be a problem.

The five authors of “The Nest Newlywed Handbook: An Owner’s Manual for Modern Married Life” have a great tip to help out in a situation like that. They suggest renting a movie like ‘The Godfather,’ ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding,’ or ‘Meet the Parents.’ Any of those movies will put your in-laws in perspective.


4. Money

This may not be an issue immediately, but it’s essential that newly married couples discuss how they want to handle their finances before it becomes a problem.

Money issues are the leading cause of divorce.

There isn’t one correct way to handle money; it varies from couple to couple. The key is to agree about the approach up-front. It may sound crass, but a marriage is, after all, a business arrangement too. Among the areas of necessary conversation:
=Who balances the checkbook?
=Who pays the bills?
=What is the budget?
=How much are we trying to save?
=How many credit cards?
=What kind of investments?
=What kind of insurance?

“There are two things I say about money to the couples I counsel,” Brown says. “The first thing is: don’t have any secret spending. No good can come from that. I see that time and time again. A secret credit card here, a secret account to support an expensive hobby there, and boom! The other thing I say is: compromise. If you break the word compromise into two, it means ‘promise’ and ‘with.’ Make a ‘promise with’ your spouse, then live up to it.”


Future Disputes

You can’t possibly anticipate all the potential disagreements coming in the future. Before you have children you may think you agree on everything, only to discover child-rearing differences you never anticipated.

You may face career changes, financial hardship, or relocation that weren’t even on your radar when you got married. There are scores of other potential disputes that won’t arise for years.

However, if you keep the root causes of most disagreements in mind and both of you are willing to compromise, no dispute is irresolvable.